Adjusting to adoption Written by Pam J. Hecht, WNC Parent contributor Sep 04

citizen-times.com

The Compton family added two boys from Ethiopia to their family. Carter and Truett, then ages 4 and 2, joined Brantley, Coleman and Barret, who were 8, 10 and 11, four years ago. / Special to WNC Parent

Tips for families

Sandy Fowler, clinical post-adoption services coordinator for Children’s

Home Society of North Carolina, which provides parenting education, foster care and adoption services, shares some tips for families with biological children who also adopt:• Ask for help and support.• Know the difference between bonding and attachment and be patient. Bonding can be an instant connection but attachment - and trust - is a process that takes time.”• Talk with children about changes and their expectations. Pay special attention if your biological kids’ feelings don’t match yours.• Include biological kids in the adoption process and keep them informed of what’s going on.• Spend one-on-one time with each child

and parent.• Help biological child(ren) accept new siblings.• Allow children to voice their feelings and opinions and listen to them. Create a safe space by respecting what they say.• To facilitate bonding, keep communication

lines open, speak truthfully and provide fun family activities.• Help kids understand their own history and background.• Help kids process trauma, grief and loss, attachment and trust issues, keeping in mind the developmental level of the adopted child. Acknowledge that their pain is part of the healing and adoption process. Get professional support as needed.• Learn about the developmental level and background of your adopted child. Honor cultural or other differences.• Sandy Fowler, Clinical Post-Adoption Support Coordinator, Children’s Home Society of North Carolina, 545-8410 or 866-449-7262.She leads a support group for adoptive parents that meets at 10 a.m. the second Friday of each month at Green

Sage, 1800 Hendersonville Road, Asheville.• Susan Ward, Carolina Counseling & Parent

Support, carolinamountaincounseling.com• To help kids and parents respond to questions from peers, extended family and others, get the W.I.S.E. Up PowerBook, published by the Center for Adoption Support and Education, www.adoptionsupport.org

For the Compton family of Fairview, the decision to adopt didn’t happen overnight. While Joe Compton had thought about it for years, his wife, Heather, wasn’t sure.

“I was in the trenches of motherhood with three young children and just couldn’t see it,” says Heather. “But I did know that we had love in our hearts and we felt like we had more room to love someone who didn’t have a family.”

In time, and with repeated spiritual signs, including families she kept meeting who had adopted from other countries, she says, she felt ready to go for it.

They adopted two boys from Ethiopia — Carter and Truett, at ages 4 and 2 — four years ago, when their three biological children, Brantley, Coleman and Barret, were 8, 10 and 11.

For the Comptons, early preparation and discussion was key to making the transition smoother for the family.

“I had told the kids that if at any time they were feeling frustrated and/or needed to talk, that no matter what, they could come to us and we would listen,” Heather says. “We talked about how our family would change and how love doesn’t divide — it multiplies.”

Susan Ward is a local therapist and parent coach specializing in helping families with children who have issues related to trauma, attachment and adoption.

To help biological children adapt to adopted siblings, Ward suggests families “read books about adoption and adopted-bio families and role-play possible scenarios that might come up when the adopted child joins the family. One of the best ways to foster attachment and bonding among all family members is through laughter — play board games or put on dance music and get everyone laughing and dancing.”

“Be honest about differences but balance that by sharing each child’s strengths,” she adds. “Say things like, ‘Yes, that’s true that you two have different colored skin — you’re also different in that you’re great at building things and your sister is great at drawing.’”

The Comptons were also realistic with the children, explaining that it wouldn’t always be easy, Heather says. “We explained how just as there are days that all three of them get along, there are days when none of them do and that this would be the same, just with more children,” she says.