Do's and Don'ts of Preparing
For An Adoption Home
Study
By Daryn Eller
Jan 29, 2009
No
adoptive parent is really at home with the home study, but knowing what to
expect can ease the anxiety and get you through with flying colors.
Here’s a little adoption humor for you. A man comes home from work to find that the couch and all the chairs in his living room have been cordoned off, just like a museum exhibit. “Come on, Marge!” he yells out to his wife. The home study visit isn’t for another two weeks!”
Like all jokes—this one’s from a cartoon that circulated among social workers—it’s an exaggeration based on truth. Everyone gets anxious about the home study, a process all prospective adoptive parents must endure to see if they can provide a safe, stable, and loving home for a child. Never mind the fact that if you got pregnant and had a baby on your own, no one would give you a second look. If you want to adopt, you will probably have to take a series of classes, get finger-printed, have a medical exam, gather reference letters, go through several soul-baring meetings with a social worker, pen your autobiography, and, to cap it off, allow the social worker to visit your home.
It all sounds pretty scary, not to mention time consuming and inconvenient (there’s a whole lot of paperwork), but as someone who has been through the process, I can say that it’s not all that bad. If you know what to expect and are properly prepared, it will go smoothly and it might even be slightly enjoyable (really!). By the time the whole thing is over, you’re going to know a lot more about adoption—and about yourself. Prelude to Adoption Home studies are mandated by law, but there’s no law that mandates exactly how they must be conducted. As a result, home studies vary from state to state and agency to agency, and home studies for international adoption can be different from those for domestic adoption. If, for instance, you do a home study because you intend to adopt from China, but then decide to adopt a child from your local foster care system, you may have to do your home study over again. It all depends on the agency that’s in charge of releasing the child you’ll be adopting.
There’s been a lot of discussion about standardizing home studies, but a consensus is nowhere near. “What questions should be included and how assessments should be conducted is a matter of great dispute,” says Madelyn Freundlich, a New York-based child welfare consultant who has researched the home study process.
Some of the differences among home studies include how long they take: The entire process can take anywhere between three to six months, though sometimes you can help speed it up by getting all your paperwork done quickly. The cost is variable, too. Many foster care agencies don’t charge at all or charge only a few hundred dollars, while home studies conducted by independent agencies can cost as much as $3,000.
Yet despite these and other differences, most home studies share many basic elements. Here are some you’re likely to encounter.
Divide and Conquer
If you’re part of a couple, you’ll be together for most of the meetings with your social worker, but sometimes you may be apart. Lisa Frye was a little surprised when she and her husband were interviewed separately during their first home study. “Maybe it was to see if we were on the same page,” she says.
That’s certainly one reason, and something to keep in mind. “I’ve heard of situations when a couple didn’t seem to both be on board with the adoption,” says Freundlich. “Maybe the woman is very eager to adopt, but the social worker is picking up all kinds of ambivalence—if not outright hostility to adopting—from the man. That, too, could raise a red flag.” In other words, get your story (hopefully an honest one) straight.
Your Life as
an Open Book
At probably no other time in your life will you be asked as many nosy questions as you will during a home study (indeed, some of the questions might be illegal if they were asked at a job interview). Aside from the usual education and employment queries, you will be asked about your financial status and family background (even sometimes about how you were disciplined as a child), as well as your current relationships with your parents and siblings. You’ll be asked about your relationship with your spouse or partner; your daily routines, hobbies and interests; the neighborhood you live in; your religious upbringing and practices; you may even be asked about how you plan to discipline your children. Not surprisingly, you’ll also probably be asked about how you view adoption, how you’ll talk to your child about it, and what kind of relationship you’d like to have with the birth mother or family.
Some of these questions can be helpful, since they get you to think about things you may not have thought about before (but should have). But other times they can just seem invasive. Lisa Frye (not her real name), a 33-year-old teacher in Glendale, California, has gone through the process twice—once for each of her children. While she understands the need for openness, she admits she couldn’t help feeling a little resentful. “Some questions seemed a little ridiculous,” says Frye. “What is knowing how my parents treated me and who I turned to more, my mother or my father, going to say about me?”
Whether you like the questions or not, it’s important to be honest, even if you’re embarrassed about your answers. “Anyone who is doing a home study realizes that people have ups and downs in their lives. The bigger question is how the person has handled it and where they are now,” says Freundlich. “It’s better, for example, to admit that you’ve been divorced twice and talk it through than to hold back. Lack of honesty about these issues can be viewed as a red flag.”
Homing in on Your Home
The home visit is probably the most nerve-wracking part of the home study, but at least people don’t just drop in on you unannounced; the visit is scheduled. And by all accounts, you won’t be judged on superficialities. Your social worker, for instance, won’t grade you on your interior decorating skills and isn’t going to pull out the white gloves to check for dust, literally or metaphorically.
“I never looked at housekeeping—I wouldn’t hold myself up as a paragon of housekeeping,” says Barb Holtan, project director of The Collaboration to AdoptUsKids, a federally funded effort to find families for the 115,000 children waiting in the country’s foster care system. “You’re looking to see, how would a child live here? Is there enough room? Is it safe?” Holtan, who conducted home studies for 20 years, has three adopted children and, consequently, has been through three home studies herself, is an expert from both sides of the process.
In anticipation of my home visit, my husband and I naturally spruced up our place, but we didn’t babyproof the house (in fact, I was so fearful of disappointment that I didn’t so much as buy a diaper in preparation for our daughter). It turns out that the babyproofing wasn’t necessary for our home visit, but expectations for Lisa Frye and her husband were different. Their agency required that their home be babyproofed in advance; the agency also wouldn’t sign off on the home study until the Fryes got a fire extinguisher. The message: You can save yourself a lot of time if you find out exactly what your agency expects before your social worker comes calling.
At probably no other time in your life will you be asked as many nosy questions as you will during a home study (indeed, some of the questions might be illegal if they were asked at a job interview). Aside from the usual education and employment queries, you will be asked about your financial status and family background (even sometimes about how you were disciplined as a child), as well as your current relationships with your parents and siblings. You’ll be asked about your relationship with your spouse or partner; your daily routines, hobbies and interests; the neighborhood you live in; your religious upbringing and practices; you may even be asked about how you plan to discipline your children. Not surprisingly, you’ll also probably be asked about how you view adoption, how you’ll talk to your child about it, and what kind of relationship you’d like to have with the birth mother or family.
Some of these questions can be helpful, since they get you to think about things you may not have thought about before (but should have). But other times they can just seem invasive. Lisa Frye (not her real name), a 33-year-old teacher in Glendale, California, has gone through the process twice—once for each of her children. While she understands the need for openness, she admits she couldn’t help feeling a little resentful. “Some questions seemed a little ridiculous,” says Frye. “What is knowing how my parents treated me and who I turned to more, my mother or my father, going to say about me?”
Whether you like the questions or not, it’s important to be honest, even if you’re embarrassed about your answers. “Anyone who is doing a home study realizes that people have ups and downs in their lives. The bigger question is how the person has handled it and where they are now,” says Freundlich. “It’s better, for example, to admit that you’ve been divorced twice and talk it through than to hold back. Lack of honesty about these issues can be viewed as a red flag.”
Homing in on Your Home
The home visit is probably the most nerve-wracking part of the home study, but at least people don’t just drop in on you unannounced; the visit is scheduled. And by all accounts, you won’t be judged on superficialities. Your social worker, for instance, won’t grade you on your interior decorating skills and isn’t going to pull out the white gloves to check for dust, literally or metaphorically.
“I never looked at housekeeping—I wouldn’t hold myself up as a paragon of housekeeping,” says Barb Holtan, project director of The Collaboration to AdoptUsKids, a federally funded effort to find families for the 115,000 children waiting in the country’s foster care system. “You’re looking to see, how would a child live here? Is there enough room? Is it safe?” Holtan, who conducted home studies for 20 years, has three adopted children and, consequently, has been through three home studies herself, is an expert from both sides of the process.
In anticipation of my home visit, my husband and I naturally spruced up our place, but we didn’t babyproof the house (in fact, I was so fearful of disappointment that I didn’t so much as buy a diaper in preparation for our daughter). It turns out that the babyproofing wasn’t necessary for our home visit, but expectations for Lisa Frye and her husband were different. Their agency required that their home be babyproofed in advance; the agency also wouldn’t sign off on the home study until the Fryes got a fire extinguisher. The message: You can save yourself a lot of time if you find out exactly what your agency expects before your social worker comes calling.
Getting the
Most Out of the Process
If there’s anything I wish I’d done differently during the home study process, it would be to use the social worker’s time more to our advantage. That is, I wish I’d worried less about what I was going to say and concentrated more on asking questions about adoption (What, for instance, do birth mothers look for in an adoptive parent? Social workers talk to them all the time).
“It’s a participatory process, and I hope that families see it that way as opposed to feeling as though they’re sitting under a microscope and simply need to respond to the social worker,” says Freundlich. “You shouldn’t worry that your questions will appear dumb or unprepared, because asking questions reflects that you want to know more about what adoption will mean for you and your child.”
In fact, adds Holtan, adoptive parents should try to feel as though they’re in the driver’s seat. “The number of children around the world and in this country needing homes is infinite, and the numbers of adoptive parents are so small,” she says. “They’re the ones that should be asking the questions and really discussing anything they don’t understand or have misgivings about.”
And if you don’t feel comfortable doing either with the social worker you’ve been assigned, or feel he or she just doesn’t “get” you, it’s perfectly acceptable to ask to work with someone else. A home study is a very intimate process, and you want a representative who will understand you and present you as you truly are.
For all her quibbles with the home study process, Lisa Frye believes it was all worth it. “When I look at my kids I’m so glad I went through everything,” she says, “but I went through everything.” True, it’s not easy, but just like with the pain of labor and delivery, once you’ve got that child in your arms, the pain is barely a memory.
Parent Preparation Classes
Chances are, you’re going to have to attend some kind of parent training class. According to the Child Welfare Information Gateway, a governmental clearinghouse for adoption info, the classes are intended to help prospective parents better understand the responsibilities of raising a child and help them make the right match. Still, the idea of having to attend a class to be a parent can rankle—until you actually go. At least that was my experience.
My husband and I had to attend a series of four classes, which were actually small, informal groups (four couples) led by two social workers. It was great to hear that we weren’t alone in the trials and tribulations we were facing in the search for a child (you don’t have to wait until your home study is done to begin the adoption process), and we got advice on how to cope with some of the touchier aspects of adoption (such as how do you talk to a birth mother without seeming desperate).
Barb Holtan sees the classes as a great benefit to adoptive parents. There are so many issues adoptive parents have to weigh—Could they handle a special needs child? Are they comfortable adopting a child of a different race? Will they be okay with a birth parent who wants a lot of contact?—that most other parents do not. “The classes help you determine what you feel you can and can’t do,” she says. “They increase your level of security.”
This article was originally published in the Winter 2007 issue of Conceive Magazine.
If there’s anything I wish I’d done differently during the home study process, it would be to use the social worker’s time more to our advantage. That is, I wish I’d worried less about what I was going to say and concentrated more on asking questions about adoption (What, for instance, do birth mothers look for in an adoptive parent? Social workers talk to them all the time).
“It’s a participatory process, and I hope that families see it that way as opposed to feeling as though they’re sitting under a microscope and simply need to respond to the social worker,” says Freundlich. “You shouldn’t worry that your questions will appear dumb or unprepared, because asking questions reflects that you want to know more about what adoption will mean for you and your child.”
In fact, adds Holtan, adoptive parents should try to feel as though they’re in the driver’s seat. “The number of children around the world and in this country needing homes is infinite, and the numbers of adoptive parents are so small,” she says. “They’re the ones that should be asking the questions and really discussing anything they don’t understand or have misgivings about.”
And if you don’t feel comfortable doing either with the social worker you’ve been assigned, or feel he or she just doesn’t “get” you, it’s perfectly acceptable to ask to work with someone else. A home study is a very intimate process, and you want a representative who will understand you and present you as you truly are.
For all her quibbles with the home study process, Lisa Frye believes it was all worth it. “When I look at my kids I’m so glad I went through everything,” she says, “but I went through everything.” True, it’s not easy, but just like with the pain of labor and delivery, once you’ve got that child in your arms, the pain is barely a memory.
Parent Preparation Classes
Chances are, you’re going to have to attend some kind of parent training class. According to the Child Welfare Information Gateway, a governmental clearinghouse for adoption info, the classes are intended to help prospective parents better understand the responsibilities of raising a child and help them make the right match. Still, the idea of having to attend a class to be a parent can rankle—until you actually go. At least that was my experience.
My husband and I had to attend a series of four classes, which were actually small, informal groups (four couples) led by two social workers. It was great to hear that we weren’t alone in the trials and tribulations we were facing in the search for a child (you don’t have to wait until your home study is done to begin the adoption process), and we got advice on how to cope with some of the touchier aspects of adoption (such as how do you talk to a birth mother without seeming desperate).
Barb Holtan sees the classes as a great benefit to adoptive parents. There are so many issues adoptive parents have to weigh—Could they handle a special needs child? Are they comfortable adopting a child of a different race? Will they be okay with a birth parent who wants a lot of contact?—that most other parents do not. “The classes help you determine what you feel you can and can’t do,” she says. “They increase your level of security.”
This article was originally published in the Winter 2007 issue of Conceive Magazine.
If you have any additional questions feel free to contact me any time!
A Family For Every Child
Associate Director
(541)343-2856
www.afamilyforeverychild.org
All of us spend at least some time wondering who we are and why we are. For a child who has faced many moves and a chaotic life before adoption, these are difficult questions to answer. But as elusive as the answers may be, they are vital as the child matures into adulthood. Parents can use the following techniques, from our book, Adopting the Hurt Child, to help any child adopted beyond infancy, whether from U.S. foster care or another country, to understand and integrate his past.