Adopted Children and the Holidays: Ideas for New Traditions

The holidays can be a stressful time for any family, but they can be particularly hard on adopted children. An adopted child’s rituals and routines can help them to define who they are. Depending on the age at which your child was adopted, and many other factors of the child’s past experiences, your child may experience an overwhelming flood of emotions during the holidays.

There are many articles available that detail why your child may be acting out during the holidays, and experts advise you to be particularly sensitive to your child’s needs during this time. They advise creating new traditions for the newly created family. While there are many articles that deal with this issue, there aren’t many that list ideas to put their advice into action. Below is a list of possible ideas for new traditions to help make this holiday season a great one for your adopted child. 

Light a candle at the dinner table to symbolize the child’s thoughts about their birth mother.

Get out an album of photos of the child’s birth family and go through them together.

Read books or rent movies that have adoption themes. It’s a good idea to do a little Internet research beforehand to be sure the themes of the movie are something you’re comfortable with your child seeing. And be prepared for possible questions afterwards. Some movies parents have found helpful are Free Willy, Superman, Anne of Green Gables, Annie, Elf, and Meet the Robinsons. 

If your child is from another culture, incorporate some of that cultures’ traditions into your holiday festivities. Look up what foods, clothing, and activities you can add to your own celebrations. This can be a great boost for the child’s self-esteem, and a bonding experience for the child and the adoptive family.

Send a Christmas card to birth parents, if known.

Make or add to a Holiday Scrapbook, keeping in mind that the child may wish to incorporate many different people, birth parents, foster families, caseworkers, and adoptive parents. Allow them freedom of expression.

Make homemade ornaments that reflect the child’s birthparents and new adoptive family.

Remember to incorporate traditions the child has experienced in the past in any previous homes.

On the same night each year, tell the story of how the child came into the family. The anticipation and joy that was experienced by the adoptive family. 

Write a poem about how much you love your child and read it each year.

Attend holiday events sponsored by your adoption agency.

A record of the child’s life is so important for them, it’s a way to bridge the gap between their past and future. Consider making a video that chronicles each holiday season. Encourage your child to talk about their past experiences during the holidays, and then record their current holiday. This could be a precious keepsake for the child when they grow older.

If you will be traveling for the holidays, depending on your child’s age, consider bringing toys or blankets the child is familiar with. Traveling during the holidays can bring up traumatic feelings of abandonment and impermanency. 

Marie Langager

What are you Thankful For!

Neveah

 

Many times I am asked "how can you do what you do"? Most of the times this means, work such long hours or work with such sad stories. But what I need all of you to know is that I am the most blessed, I GET to do something that makes a difference. It is only a "Sad Story" when you can't find, or won't look for a happy ending. What I, and WE (AFFEC) do everyday is fight for the happy ending. The Family united, and the children in a Forever home.

 

I want to share with you, on this week of Thanks Giving, one sample of one simple way we GET to help!

Neveah, is a very special needs child, we have been asked to recruit a home for you. Granted this was a hard task and one I was less then hopeful about. But after one targeted email (an email we send out to all our families that might be a potential match for a child) to all our WA families, which is where Neveah lives and needs to stay, my heart was over whelmed with the response and love of many families WANTING her.

One email that took one volunteer less then one hours to create, found Neveah a home. Below is a copy of the email sent and below that is a copy of the letter I got from her new "Family" this morning.

 

Be Thankful, as we are truly Blessed!

 

(Sent Nov. 1, 2011) Nevaeh really needs a family Forever! Nevaeh age 10 Bio: Nevaeh is a delightful young girl, who loves to laugh and smile. She enjoys being around family and friends. She also enjoys music and switch toys. Nevaeh is a beautiful, vibrant 10 year old girl who brings joy to everyone she meets. When Nevaeh initially entered care she lived with relatives. She currently lives with her great grandmother who is not able to be a long term caretaker due to her own health issues. It will be important for Nevaeh to stay connected to relatives and siblings. Neveah has supervised visits with her half-siblings and biological mother at her home. Her great grandmother reports that there are no behavioral problems with Nevaeh. Though she has developmental disabilities and is essentially non-verbal, she recognizes and interacts with all immediate family members, and seems to enjoy listening to music. She appears to be observant and aware of her environment and knows who enters the room. She can recognize relative's voices and knows when her great grandmother is near her. It will be important for her to live with a family who understands the major medical issues that Nevaeh faces and who will be able to care for her with or without those issues. She needs a loving, supportive family that has the knowledge and experience best equipped to care for this wonderful child. I would be happy to submit your interest/ Studies on this wonderful little girl and you are welcome to email me with Questions. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And the email I received this morning! Hi Christy, I just wanted to let you know that our sweet Nevaeh moved in with us today! Unfortunately, the plan to have a gradual transition had to be changed and she needed to be moved immediately, but she is very happy and smiley so far today and seems to be taking it in stride! She is such a sweetheart! She and I held hands for the whole three hour drive home, and pretty soon I was getting those wonderful big smiles I had heard about! We feel so blessed to have her here, and I wanted to let you know and to thank you for the part you played in bringing her to our attention. Our bio kids are already so in love with her, and totally seem to accept her just as she is. And they think her wheelchair is awesome! :) Once they asked some questions and understood what she can and cannot do, what she needs, etc, they were fine with it, and by the time she arrived today, they were so excited! So we've had a great first day with our little cupcake and I want to thank you again! Neveah's new Family   HAPPY THANKSGIVING! Christy

Adopted Children and their Peers

           

In October a novelist named James Collins contributed an Op-ed to the New York Times Opinion section in which he wrote that he was Mark Zuckerberg’s biological father and asked for money so that they could keep the whole thing out of the media. This was a tongue-in-cheek letter that stemmed from the untimely death of Apple co-founder Steve Jobs, and the interest in his life and the fact that he was adopted. Mark Zuckerberg, the creator of Facebook, is not an adopted child. The letter was intended to be a humorous joke that the biological parents of Steve Jobs would perhaps have had access to a great deal of money.

            One reader did not find it so funny. In a Letter To the Editor Pamela Vetter of Austin, TX responded,

“As an adult adoptee, I have listened to all the reporting about Steve Job’s death with weariness. We adoptees are by turns curiosities, objects of derision and seemingly another species that some people just do not comprehend”.

Ms. Vetter was offended by the idea of making adoption a topic for a joke, perhaps because she went through what many adopted children go through. Constant scrutiny and questions from their peers.

            Ms. Vetter went on to say, “I’ve heard other adult adoptees describe us as ‘the last bastion of legal discrimination’ for the lack of rights we have (in most states) to our own histories. Who would make such derogatory jokes about any ethnic group, physically or mentally disabled group or economically disadvantaged group?” An adopted child is a member of a minority, and it’s important to prepare the adoptee for the kinds of attitudes they will encounter from people who probably will not understand. Helping them feel secure and able to answer questions in a way that their peers can grasp is an important part of raising an adopted child.

A variety of questions will be asked of your adopted child by his or her peers, and it’s a good idea to accept that children are inquisitive by nature and that they will not know how to be sensitive to your child’s feelings. Some of these questions might be,

“How come you don’t look like your Mom?”

 “Didn’t your real Mom want you?”

“Do you think your real Mom misses you?”

“Are those your real brothers and sisters?”

            Most children aren’t educated about adoption and what it means, so when these questions are asked, try and help your child be able to give an answer they are comfortable with. Keep in mind that your responses and the ways you prepare your child need to be developmentally appropriate. At different ages, children are able to grasp different things, so as you prepare your child, keep in mind what they can handle now, and that as they age there will be more questions. In the article “Talking to your Six-to-Eight-Year-Old About Adoption” in Adoptive Families Magazine author Susan Saidman advises a system called “T.I.P. =Tell, Ignore, Keep it Private”. She writes, “This acronym helps children remember that they can choose whom they do and do not want to share personal information with”.

            There are many resources available to parents who wish to prepare their child, such as literature, magazine articles, and support groups. Experiences of other parents are also great teaching tools, so chat rooms and blogs are excellent ways to share first hand experiences. Remember that whether you want your child’s peers to ask questions or not, they most certainly will, and you are your child’s best defense. Whatever method you choose to help your child answer questions, keep in mind that the answers to these sensitive questions shape your child’s view of themselves, not just the other child’s perception of them.

Marie Langager

Examining the Benefits and Challenges of Placeing Children with Relatives

Child welfare agencies and juvenile courts place thousands of children in out-of-home care every year. Current federal and state policies declare that relatives should be the preferred placement when children must be removed from parental care. Preference for relatives is a recent development. Around the year 1900, most children were placed in orphanages and other forms of congregate care. During the 20th century federal and state policy turned to foster care as the preferred placement. Policy makers viewed relatives suspiciously. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree was a frequent refrain. Over the past 30 years federal and state policies have shifted again, now favoring relatives over non-relatives and congregate care.
With the passage of The Fostering Connections to Success and Increasing Adoptions Act of 2008 (P.L. 110-351), federal policy not only firmly declared a preference for placement with relatives. The legislation mandated that relatives receive notice of child protection proceedings; gave them a voice in those proceedings; and identified best practices for locating extended family members. This legislation singled out family finding, family group conferences, and guardian navigators as best practices for locating family members and engaging them in the child protection process. The legislation also offered federal grants for local jurisdictions to implement these practices.
Why Prefer Relatives?
Numerous factors contributed to the change in federal and state placement policies. Substantial social science research indicated that relative placement had advantages for the children. The research revealed that:

• Children in relative care tend to be just as safe as, or safer than, children placed in foster care.
• Relative placements provide more stability than placement with foster families, and if the child has to move, it is likely he or she will move from the home of one relative to another.
• Siblings more often remain together in relative care, and are more likely to visit one another even if they reside in separate relative homes.
• Relative caregivers are more likely to continue the ties with the child’s birth family.
• Children in relative care are more likely to remain connected to their community, including their school.
• Relative caretakers facilitate parent-child visitation more easily since the caregivers will likely favor reunification and will be less likely than foster parents to compete with the parents for permanent custody of the child.
• Relatives are more likely to invest time and care for a child who shares a blood tie. This includes a willingness to care for the child for as long as needed.
• Placement with relatives will generally be less traumatic than placement in an unfamiliar home because the children will be living with someone they know and trust, particularly if the non-relative differs racially or ethnically from the child.
• Placement with relatives supports the transmission of a child’s family identity, culture, and ethnicity.
• Placement with relatives eliminates the unfortunate stigma that many foster children experience.
• Children fare better in relative care than in foster care along numerous axes.
• The child placed with relatives knows his or her own family, sees family resemblances, and understands how he or she fits into it.

Perhaps the most compelling reason for the policy shift to relative preference has been the actions of American families taken without any state intervention. When parents find themselves unable to care for their children, they naturally turn to relatives for assistance. Currently approximately 2,500,000 children live with relatives, mostly with grandparents, all on a voluntary basis.[1]
Remaining Issues
Relative preference may be the law today, but significant challenges remain. First, fathers must be identified, located and engaged. Our nation’s ambivalence about engaging fathers, particularly those who are not married to the mother, has resulted in fathers being peripheral to the child protection process. Yet the father’s side of the family represents on average one-half of the child’s relatives. If we are serious about relative placement, we must locate fathers and engage them in the child protection process.
We must also identify, locate and engage relatives. Relative preference statutes mean little without rigorous social work immediately following removal of the child from parental care. The social worker must learn from the parents who the child’s relatives are, contact them, and encourage them to become involved in the child protection case. The sooner this is accomplished, the more likely that the relatives will become engaged. The law now gives relatives the right to appear before the court and speak on behalf of the child. Just as importantly, relatives have the ability to participate in group decision-making processes such as family group conferences, team decision making, family team meetings, and court-based mediation. All of these group decision-making processes have spread throughout the United States and have been recognized as best practices in the resolution of the difficult issues presented in child protection cases.
Delay in relative engagement often means that they will not be selected as placement for the child. The child protection system is notoriously slow. Fact finding hearings may take months to complete. Placement issues may take over a year. Yet in the meantime the child will be living with a family and will naturally become strongly connected to that family. The late-arriving relative often finds that the foster family will be preferred because of the connection between the child and that family.
Relative placement is good social and legal policy. However, effective implementation of relative preference requires early identification and engagement. It requires effective judicial oversight of social worker actions regarding locating and engaging fathers and relatives. It also requires opportunities for relatives to participate in decision making, preferably through group decision-making processes. Engaging relatives is a best practice, one that will serve the best interests of children separated from their parents

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PERMANENCY DEFINED You may notice we use the word ‘permanency’ a lot. What does it mean? Permanency is central to our work and at the core of our mission. Many people think adoption and permanency mean the same thing. They don’t, exactly. Think of permanency as a broad umbrella under which adoption fits. We all know what adoption means. It means that you bring a child or teen into your home, and one day you go to court to say, “This person is a part of my family legally.” Adoption is legal permanency. But there are other types of permanency, such as physical and emotional permanency, as well. Permanency is really a state of mind: it’s having a place where you belong, and people to whom you belong, no matter what happens. It’s an inherent promise that the community makes to kids who are legally removed from their birth families. That promise says, “Your birth family wasn’t able to provide well enough for you, so we took you away to protect you. We will find you something better.” Finding permanency for kids whose parents’ parental rights were terminated is the fulfillment of that promise made to the child at the time of intervention. Oftentimes, permanency happens via a legal adoption, but sometimes it happens in other ways. It’s almost easier to explain what permanency is NOT. Sometimes folks might say, “This kid has permanency, because when he’s 18 and he leaves the foster care system he can come back for Christmas and Easter.” Simply having a place to go two days out of the year is not permanency; certainly it may be an indicator of such, but in and of itself having a place to go for holidays is not permanency. Permanency is not a single placement, it is not a plan, it is not a program. It is not what some call ‘long-term foster care’ or ‘permanent foster care’ - there is no such thing, as foster care is designed to be temporary. It is not an Independent Living Skills class. Permanency is a knowing, deep within, that you belong somewhere with someone even if you make a mistake. Even if that mistake is a really bad one. Permanency requires relationships that are life-long and provide what any family might: being in a Last Will and Testament, hearing your name on the answering machine, having your picture on the family photo wall in someone’s house, knowing someone will walk you down the aisle (should you choose to get married and want that), realizing that the term ‘family vacation’ includes you, having people who will visit you regularly even if you are in jail. Somebody with permanency has been claimed by others and is able to develop traditions and culture in relationship to the people that they care about. If you are a worker in the child welfare field, here is a question you can ask yourself at a youth’s staffing meeting to determine whether or not that youth has permanency: Look around the room. Is there anyone in the room who is not paid to be there (this includes foster parents, guardians ad litem/CASAs, paid mentors)? If the answer is ‘no,’ then that youth does not have permanency. This is certainly not a foolproof question, but it is one way to measure permanency. For Ampersand Families, helping a teen to achieve permanency means we strive to find and support adoptive families for all of our teens, even the ones who are 18 or older (via an adult adoption). In rare cases where a legal adoption is not possible, we strive to achieve permanency in other ways, because everyone deserves belonging, dignity and hope. Once, upon asking a 15-year-old what she thought ‘permanency’ meant, she replied, “Is it like permanent marker? It won’t rub off?” Permanency is kind of like permanent marker – no matter what happens, it’s still there.

November 3rd was our Second Winter Wonderland Event at Valley River Inn.

 

What a Magical night! We had over 280 friends and supporters that gathered to celebrate our,organization and the last 5 years of our communities effort to build our programs and support our mission.

 

We started the evening with presenting the 2011 Children Champion Award to the Market of Choice and the Wright family for their contribution to our communities Children and to AFFEC for displaying our Heart Gallery for over 3 years. Market of choice has consistently been one of our most popular venue.

 

We were also honored to have Sarah and Shirell Shipley, speak about Shirell's adoption journey to the Shipley Family. They were both impressive and very touching, we are so grateful to be apart of their story and for their willingness to share their story with our supportive audience. Later that evening, that same supportive group, all contributed to purchasing the puppy (one of our oral auction items) for Shirell to take home, what a special moment.

 

The evening went on to include 18 Oral/live Auction items, over 100 Silent Auction Items, a Wine Wall, Dessert Dash and a paddle up request. It was truly an energetic and exciting evening.

 

As a young organization, with this being only our second year, we were new to setting our fundraising goals and expectations. However we were very grateful for the support that we received that evening and exceeded our goal of 75,000 dollars for the evening. One of the area's we are most proud of, is how low our expenses were. With only 8,000 dollars going to our expenses.

 

Thank-you to all of you, and our many volunteers that made this evening happen, we were blessed to take back to our programs over 76,000 (net) to support our mission and fine homes for our communities children!

 

THANK-YOU ALL!!!

National Adoption Month

There are 107,000 children and youth waiting for permanent families in the U.S. foster care system. November is National Adoption Month, a month set aside to raise awareness about the adoption of children and youth from foster care. The 2011 National Adoption Month website, created in partnership with AdoptUSKids, is designed to help adoption professionals build capacity to recruit and retain parents for the children and youth in foster care. The site provides resources and tools, along with State and local examples that promote the following five themes: Supporting and Retaining Families Doing Diligent Recruitment Working With Diverse Populations Doing Proactive Family Finding Facilitating Interjurisdictional Placements Bookmark the National Adoption Month website today: www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/nam/index.cfm For more information and other adoption resources, contact Child Welfare Information Gateway at 800.394.3366 or info@childwelfare.gov.

It Takes a Village

It takes a Village!

When we received our Foster daughter, our wait had been almost three years to get through the process.

Our emotions ran high and our arms were opened wide with excitement towards a new daughter to bring into our family! A Forever Family!

Quickly the realization came that our new daughter had her own set of problems when she entered our home, more than we could handle on our own!

Time to get to work! We needed immediate help, support, and a lot of listening ears to make this transition work for all of us.

Therapist and DHS Workers

First thing we needed in place was to find a loving, confident therapist that our child could relate with!

DHS brought in a home therapist to help us with our family dynamics as we worked through the transition.

Church

We made the people in our Church Community aware that our daughter had special needs. They were quick to give her a warm welcome each Sunday as she arrived.

Sometimes even anonymous little notes and gifts were left on our doorstep for her.

The youth in our congregation welcomed her with open arms. Special play times were arranged as she got to know and make friends.

School

Into the school system! Communications were necessary, with principals, counselors, and teachers.

Eventually our new daughter felt safe as she entered the school grounds, she had a school community that knew who she was and were willing to help her with her transitional and special needs. A special thanks to classroom teachers who cared so much!

Friends and Family

They became even more important to us!

Their listening ears, support, and suggestions were our saving grace at times!

Their encouragement not to give up, to hang in there, and the gentle reminders that we were doing a good job, have helped us to hang in there even today, when those tough and hard moments happen!

It has been 2 years now with our new daughter and we are doing well!

Have we needed the help of our Community? Yes, every single day!

It truly does take a Village to raise a child!

Closed Adoption Vs. Open Adoption: Pros and Cons

Depending on the family, an open or closed adoption is best for you. Keep a few things in mind. As an older foster child, it is rare to have a complete closed adoption; closed adoptions are more common among infants. Depending on a foster child’s situation one or the other may be a better choice for them. It is important to think of the child’s best interest while making these decisions. Open adoption “rules” vary by state and are also set and negotiated by the parents. This means you may have an open adoption that is anywhere from a “cracked window” to a “fully open window”.

These pros and cons are not limited to the following and are not true for all families. They are directed toward all people factors of the adoption: birth parents, parents, and child. This list is just to give a general idea of pros and cons for closed/open adoption and to educate followers on the “inside scoop” of adoption at AFFEC.

Pros and Cons of a CLOSED adoption:

PROS

• The adoptive family looks and operates like any other family.     
• The adoptive family has no responsibility to put together information for the birthmother.
• There is no potential for conflict between the birth family and adoptive family throughout the adoptee’s childhood because there is no relationship.
• The birth parents have no obligations toward the child. (This can be a benefit depending on the birthparents’ wants)
•       If taken out of a dangerous living situation, there may be a benefit of cutting ties with people considered to be “unsafe” for the child. (This is not true for all families)
  
  

CONS

• The adoptive family does not have any information about the birth family, such as medical history or why the child was placed for adoption.
•  The birth family is a big mystery to the child, so the child might create their own distorted fantasy about who they are. The child might imagine that they are wealthy and famous, or the child might assume that they are really horrible people, when neither of these extremes is likely to be the truth.
•  Due to lack of information, the child may draw their own conclusions about why they were placed for adoption. Some children may feel unwanted by the birth parents which can cause identity and self-esteem issues.
•  If the child chooses to search, the adoptive family has no idea what to expect, creating anxiety about who the birth family might turn out to be.
• Finding the birth family can be difficult.
•    The birth mother has no idea if the child is happy, safe, and loved.
• The birth mother has no way to reassure herself about placing the child up for adoption because she has no information on how the child is doing.

Native Foster Care: Lost Children, Shattered Families

Click on the title to listen to a story of Native foster care. 

By: Laura Sullivan and Amy Walters