Even the best foster homes can’t replace family support

Consider joining us, and making a difference in 2012

Register@ http://www.afamilyforeverychild.org/Announce/OpenHouseForm.php

Published: (Wednesday, Dec 28, 2011 05:00AM) Midnight, Dec 28 

When you hear about child abuse or neglect, most people’s first reaction is “get that kid out of danger.” Once we know the child has been removed, we breathe a sigh of relief, assume that the child will be better off in foster care, and consider the problem fixed. If we think of the abuser, it is almost always to condemn and judge: “How could they do that?”

While our reactions make sense — child safety is imperative — is removing children from their homes and everything they know really the best for them and for our community? As 2012 nears, take time to reflect on this important question. And realize Lane County has a higher than average rate of children in foster care. More than 1,000 kids are in care on any given day.

Foster care is an essential element for keeping children safe, and most foster homes provide great places for children. But even the best foster homes are not meant to be permanent.

Children who grow up in foster care do not do as well as those raised in their own homes. They are more likely to do poorly in school, become teen parents and become involved in the criminal justice system.

Meet Dylan. He was separated from his siblings and placed in foster care at age 5, due to a history of abuse and neglect. Over the next seven years, Dylan was put in 18 different homes.

Predictably, he began showing serious behaviors including academic problems, self-harm and anger. Alone in the world, his options were quickly fading.

If we don’t put kids who are at risk into foster care, how do we keep them safe? And if we place them in care, how do we reduce the negative ramifications?

One answer may surprise you: Increase the child’s contact with safe family members and work toward family reunification.

“Whoa!” you say, “Those people have problems — don’t give their kids back.” It’s true: Reunification will not work for all families. However, children who have contact with their families while in care or who are fostered by extended family members tend to have better outcomes and overall higher resiliency.

Oregon’s child welfare system has assigned a high priority to reunification and relative foster care. Since 2009, Casey Family Programs has partnered with Oregon’s Department of Human Services, the Commission on Children and Families and the state Judicial Department to safely and equitably reduce the number of children in foster care. 

In the summer of 2011, Lane County was invited to join this effort, and local leaders said yes.

Now it’s time for everyone to get involved. Families who have children in the foster care system tend to have low incomes and are disproportionately Native American, Alaska native and African-American.

These families are members of your church. Their children go to school with your kids. You see them at the park. They are your co-workers; in many ways they are just like you and your family. It’s time to step forward and support birth families, extended families and foster and adoptive families.

Remember Dylan? His caseworker partnered with A Family for Every Child to comb his case files for safe family and positive support connections. Dylan ended up reconnecting with his siblings and their adoptive parents, several members of his extended family and his fourth-grade teacher.

These people who are so important to Dylan circled around him, giving him a sense of identity, security and family.

Make your 2012 new year’s resolution to be the difference for the children in our communities. Be there for Dylan:

Attend our open house on Jan. 10 to learn about volunteer opportunities at A Family for Every Child, Court Appointed Special Advocates and other local agencies. Discover how you can support, mentor, foster or advocate for a child in need. Call 541-343-2856 for more information.

Support children who are in foster care. Include them in activities; invite family members to participate as well.

Don’t paint families with one brush, assuming the entire family — aunts, uncles, grandparents — is guilty just because the parent abused a child.

Reach out to families who are struggling. Offer compassion, support and understanding. Find opportunities to help parents who are making positive changes in their lives. Recognize that most parents want what is best for their children; everyone makes mistakes.

Talk about how to support families in your school, workplace, faith organization and neighborhood. Support families as their children come back to them.

These are our neighbors, friends, acquaintances and kids. We all have a stake in this. And we all have the power to make a big difference right now. 

Raise your hand and say you’ll help. See you on Jan. 10!

Christy Barrett-Obie, executive director of A Family for Every Child, is a member of the Lane County Casey Initiative Steering Committee working to safely and equitably reduce the number of children in foster care.

Card-maker deals in personal touches

Finding a family isn't always about tracing a blood line - Tampa Bay Times

Finding a family isn't always about tracing a blood line - Tampa Bay Times

A Washington County family of eight celebrates a Christmas gift, an adopted baby girl with Down syndrome

Published: Saturday, December 24, 2011, 6:11 PM Updated: Sunday, December 25, 2011, 7:55 AM

By Tom Hallman Jr., The Oregonian The Oregonian

- December 17, 2011--Sandi Brannock with 2-year-old Amira and Elyana, now 5 1/2 months old. Ross William Hamilton/The Oregonian Adoption of baby with Down Syndrome is a gift for family gallery (6 photos)

The Christmas gift arrived unexpectedly in the heat of summer when a woman in rural Washington County picked up the phone and was confronted with a choice that she knew would ultimately alter the course of a life.

What if she hadn't been home? Or had declined, saying the timing wasn't right? Both haunting questions that get to the core of love, sacrifice and family -- concepts people focus on so intently during this time of year.

With one little word -- "yes" -- a journey began.

Though it may have started out of desperation, it ended in joy Friday afternoon -- just two days before Christmas -- when a family gathered in a courtroom for a simple ceremony that couldn't begin to do justice to all that had taken transpired during the past five months.

The call came on July 13 when Sandi Brannock's husband was at work and the couple's six kids were busy playing in another part of the house. At her desk, she glanced at the caller identification and read Cincinnati. Brannock knew only one person there. And, sure enough, when she picked up it was Robin Steele, coordinator for the National Down Syndrome Adoption Network.

Five days earlier, a mother had given birth in Washington state to twin girls. One was healthy. The other had a heart defect and Down syndrome, both a complete surprise. The parents had decided they were going to take one twin home and leave the other behind. Called boarder babies, these children become wards of the state, which places them in foster care. Steele, who 35 years ago adopted such a child, had been searching her organization's database to find someone who might take this child.

The parents were checking out of the hospital in two days.

She needed to find a family who not only had an interest in adopting a special needs child, but who had also completed a detailed home study, the first step in the adoption process. The computer came up with Sandi and Kirk Brannock. Eighteen months earlier, the couple -- both 46 and married for 17 years -- had adopted Amira, a two-week-old Washington baby girl who had Down syndrome. Steele had an important question for Sandi: Were they interested in adopting again?

Brannock asked if any other families had expressed interest.

No.

• 
  

The circumstances touched a nerve with Brannock, a registered nurse who had worked in a hospital's postpartum and neonatal unit before quitting to raise her children. She knew of a single mother who planned to put her unborn child up for adoption, but the adoptive family backed out when the child was born with cerebral palsy. The birth mother also walked away, and the child was institutionalized. The story hit close to home because one of the Brannocks' sons, Cole, 12, has cerebral palsy.

Brannock told Steele she had to talk with her husband, who works in the high tech field. After a quick phone conversation, she got back to Steele and said yes.

That evening, the couple gathered their five sons, ages 6 to 16. Before they had adopted Amira -- who now walked around the living room during the discussion -- they talked with their boys about what it would mean for their lives. Once again, they wanted their boys to weigh in. One day, when their parents were gone, the responsibility of having sisters with special needs would fall to the boys, they told them. The answer was unanimous. They were gaining another sister, one they would love as much as they loved Amira.

• 
  

The next morning, the family climbed into their 10-seat bus and set out to bring another little girl home. On the way, the adoption caseworker called on a cellphone and told the Brannocks to go to the hospital where paperwork giving them legal permission to see the baby would be waiting.

They arrived at the hospital early in the evening. The boys and their sister stayed in the neonatal waiting room. Their parents were each given a wristband that read "Baby A." On the band was the date the unnamed girl was born. Brannock studied the band, trying to remember what she'd been doing the day the girl she now considered her daughter was born. A nurse led the way to a room with a sliding glass door. She passed a crib where a healthy baby girl slept and stopped in front of a crib near the back of the room. She picked up a bundle and placed it in Sandi Brannock's arms. Brannock scooted over so her husband could sit next to her. She pulled back the blanket to look at the little face.

The baby was small and pale, more fragile than Brannock had expected, and she said a silent prayer asking for strength.

Kirk Brannock took pictures of baby on his cellphone, then went to show the kids her image. Nurses told Sandi Brannock the baby had heart problems and had undergone blood transfusions, which was why she was so pale. Brannock handed the baby back to a nurse. She said she and her husband would return Friday, and the family checked in to a nearby motel.

Sandi Brannock didn't want this newborn girl to leave the hospital without a name. She researched names online, studying the meaning of each one. None felt right.

Then she found Elyana -- God has answers.

The next morning, the Brannocks drove to the adoption agency to complete the paperwork and to meet the parents who decided to give up one of their daughters.

At 11:30 a.m., the parents walked into the room with Elyana's sister in a baby carrier. Sandi Brannock expected a drug-addicted mother, or maybe a young girl. Instead, she found an attractive couple who appeared to be at least middle class. The parents were too nervous to sit, and they stood in the middle of the room. At one point, Brannock studied Elyana's sister. She saw the clear resemblance between the two girls, save for the distinctive facial features that indicated Down syndrome. The couple told the Brannocks they had a 3-year-old son who knew his mother had given birth to twins. The parents said they planned to tell him one of his sisters had gone to live with a family who would care for her.

As gently as possible, Kirk Brannock asked why they'd decided to give up one daughter. When the Brannocks had decided to adopt Amira, some people couldn't understand why. Even though it felt right to them, they approached it analytically, listing the pros and cons. The only "con" was fear. And that was not enough to stop them from going ahead.

Fighting tears, the woman said she and her husband were their parents' only children. They had no family in the area to help them raise a special-needs child. They both had demanding careers. They said they wanted the baby girl to live with a family who could do a better job than they could. The birth mother, clearly hurting, began crying. She said she loved the little girl.

The Brannocks would never judge this woman and her husband, a couple so full of fear and doubt. Better than anyone else, they knew what they were going through and would never want them to feel guilty. A little baby -- made the way Sandi believes God intended her -- would soon be joining a family eagerly awaitng her arrival. But it was impossible to say it just then. All the Brannocks could do was wrap their arms around this couple and hug them tightly.

When the meeting ended, the Brannocks returned to the hospital, where they filled out more paperwork and scheduled appointments in Portland with a pediatrician and a heart specialist.

Then they carried Elyana Brannock to meet her brothers and sister.

• 
  

Elyana was so small and fragile that doctors had to wait three months before she'd gained enough weight to fix the hole in her heart. She was eventually released from the hospital and sent home, but the recovery took more than a month. It wasn't until late November that their little girl was clearly healing.

A date -- what the family called "the day" -- was set to make the adoption official.

Two days before Christmas they all gathered in the Washington County Courthouse, waiting to be brought in to a courtroom where Circuit Court Judge Rita Batz Cobb would sign the adoption papers. All the Brannock kids, their parents, grandparents and family friends packed the hallway, waiting for the signal that it was time.

He reached for his cellphone, tapped the picture icon up popped a photo of Elyana.

"The rough patch in her life is over," Brannock said. "She smiled for the first time two days ago. We got it on film."

-- Tom Hallman Jr.

Mentors Needed- Maybe this is the first step to your future helping a foster child?

The mission of A Family For Every Child's Mentor Program is to bring enthusiastic, dedicated, caring adult members of our community and unite them with youth in foster care. To provide someone who can be a friend, who will encourage and support them through various transitions in their life. To help instill independence, confidence and everyday life skills they will need.

The following children are in need of a mentor:

Megan is a 15 year old girl who lives in Roseburg. Megan is a very outgoing young lady. She loves art and animals. Megan would like a mentor that can help her reach her goal of being a veterinarian when she grows up.

Nathan is a 13 year old boy who lives in Cresswell. Nathan likes the Ducks, Hometown Buffet and pancakes. Nathan is very active and likes to talk.

Kyle is an 8 year old boy who lives in Eugene. He likes being silly and going to McDonalds. Kyle's favorite color is red. He likes going to the park and playing football. Kyle needs a male mentor.

Eli is a 4 year old boy who lives in Eugene. He loves playing outside and riding his bike. He is adorable and gets along well with other children.

Alex is a 16 year old boy who lives in Thurston. He likes watching movies and going out to eat. Alex is on the cross country team at school. He likes to play video games. Alex needs a male mentor.

Mike is a 13 year old boy who lives in Springfield. He likes to ride bikes, drawing and building things. He has a great sense of humor and loves making people laugh.

Mike needs a male mentor.

Robbie is a 10 year old boy who lives in Eugene. He is very active. He likes to play basketball and going swimming. Robbie loves legos and hot wheels. He needs a male mentor.

Arnold is a 14 year old boy who lives in Eugene. Arnold likes to cook and to bake. He likes video games and board games. Arnold is very shy. He would like to find some outdoor activities that he would enjoy. Arnold needs a male mentor.

Alana is a 10 year old girl who lives in Eugene. She loves arts and crafts and playing outside. Alana loves doing "girly" things. She's a very easy going little girl.

Rachel is a 13 year old girl who lives in Eugene. She is very active and likes to sing and to dance. Rachel needs an active, yet firm mentor that can help her with her social skills.

Alex is a 14 year old girl who lives in Corvallis. Alex lives in a group home. She likes arts and crafts, bowling and swimming. She needs a female mentor that has experience with a high needs child.

Please contact Heather@afamilyforeverychild.org for more information about the mentor program and about these wonderful children.

Celebrating Holidays with Children You Foster

Tip Sheets: Quick References for Parents

Conflicting loyalties and lost dreams often
make the holidays a difficult time for
children in foster care. Just as studies show
that holidays are stressful times for most of us, these
reactions are compounded for youth placed in your
home. Here are some suggestions for the holidays.
How can my family make it easier for the
children in foster care while they are in our
home?
• Talk about the season ahead of time. Talk about
how your family celebrates the holidays. Tell
children which of the traditional holidays your
house recognizes. Is it Thanksgiving? St. Nick’s
Day? Kwanzaa? Hanukah? Christmas? New
Year? Or all of the above? Talking about the
holidays gives children time to anticipate the
upcoming activities and ask questions.
• Help children in foster care imagine what to
expect in your home. Much of what we assume
to be commonplace can be new to the children
you foster.
• Share the religious meanings the holidays may
have for your family. Talk about your family’s
specific customs and activities.
• Use this time of sharing to learn especially
about the religious beliefs, customs, and
activities of the children you foster.
• Try to incorporate at least some of their
traditions into your traditions.
• Some parents try to keep the holidays low key in
order to help minimize some of the stress.
How can we work with birth families during
the holidays?
• Again, ask children about their experiences and
try to incorporate some of their traditions. The
children placed in your home may miss some
activities that they experienced with their
family or in a previous placement.
• If possible, ask your child’s family members
about their holiday traditions and customs. Ask
about their beliefs and observances. Although
you may feel stretched at the holidays, try to
coordinate schedules with the birth families.
This gives the children a chance to share what
is familiar while experiencing new traditions.
• This is a good time for the youth in your home
to make small gifts and send cards to their birth
families or old neighbors and friends.
• This is a time when many children feel
conflicted feelings about their birth families and
worry about them. It is a good time to let the
young person know that it is okay for them to
be safe and cared for even if their family
struggles. Reassure them if you can, about the
safety and care of their birth family.
What are some of the ways I can help the
children who I foster get through the
holidays? What are some signs of grief or
sadness that I can look for?
• Be prepared for the sadness and grief. Talk
about your child’s feelings throughout the
season.
• Give your children time and space to grieve.
Grief takes many forms and may be exhibited
in lots of ways, including:
• Reverting back to younger behaviors
developmentally
• Soiling themselves or bedwetting
• Becoming withdrawn and isolated
• Having temper tantrums
• Being rebellious
• Complaining more than usual
• Try to remember the developmental age of the
children you foster. It will also help you to stay
patient if you keep in mind the challenges of
the season for your child before you react.

thank-you to:
The Foster Care and Adoption Resource Center

Laughter, Attachment and Adopting Older Kids

Laughter, Attachment and Adopting Older Kids
by Pat O'Brien
One of my favorite folks in the entire world is Barbara Tremitiere, a well-known national expert in the area of special-needs adoption andpreparing families for what to expect after the kids arrive. She has always offered a most interesting statement about attachment; as she reminds us, "it is not the newly-placed older child's job to attach to his or her new adoptive parents but rather the new adoptive parents' job to prove to the newly-placed child that they are worth attaching to." What Barbara means is that we can't place the burden of attaching on the new child; further, whether attaching ever occurs or not has a lot to do with whether the new adoptive parents can prove in one way or another that they are worth the trouble of attaching to. When placed at an older age, these children enter placement with the assumption that it is just a matter of time before they will be rejected yet again and ultimately kicked out. They usually proceed very cautiously and protect themselves from the expected hurt by staying somewhat detached and by resisting getting close to the family.
How can new adoptive parents of an older child prove they are worth attaching to? I've placed many older children over the past 10 years and I can think of no better answer than shared humor and shared laughter.
In his book A Laughing Place, Christian Hageseth noted that "humor is essential to the enterprise of being a parent. It may be the single best antidote for parent burn-out. Humor plays a central role in parent/child attachment." Dr. Laurence Peter, of "Peter Principle" fame, noted in The Laughter Prescription that "shared humor creates a bond between people. It says 'we both see, understand, and enjoy.' The shared memories of the funny stories cement relationships." Shared laughter between parent and child is an incredibly effective way to cement a new parent/child relationship and to speed along the attachment of that relationship.
Be ASAP (As Silly As Possible):
Children love silliness. Children love playfulness. Children love to see their parents act silly and playful. Even those teenagers who seem not to appreciate anything and who never show appreciation for anything really do appreciate it when the adults in their lives act silly and playful. Such behavior relays to the child that you are someone really neat - to go out on a limb, to take the risk of embarrassing yourself by being playful and silly - and perhaps gives them the message that you might be someone worth attaching to.
A lot of people think acting silly is stupid. Dr. Steven Allen, Jr., MD, the son of the famed comedian, had this to say about silliness and those who say silliness is stupid: "Stupid means ignorant and uneducated. You do stupid things because you don't know any better. Having fun and playing is not stupid - it is silly." Silly, Dr. Allen goes on to point out, "derives originally from the Old English (ge)saelig, which meant completely happy, blessed. Silly was a blessing you wished upon those you loved. It meant to be happy, prosperous, and healthy."
So, concretely speaking, what sorts of silly and playful things can you do with new children placed in your home, or do with other children you live with, to encourage the attachment-promoting experience of shared laughter and smiling? I can offer suggestions of things that I have done with the children in my life. Many of the ideas have been taken from Vicki Lansky's book, 101 Ways to Make Your Child Feel Special.

• Take your children to the local "Hocus Pocus" shop or magic store. Buy some magic tricks and help your child learn how to do some. Kids love to be able to trick other people. It is very empowering for children to possess a skill that other people do not share. It is so obvious, it's simple. Kids love to play, and the magic tricks stimulate their playful impulses. They will always recall fondly the person who took them to the store and bought the tricks for them.
• Let your child plan an "unbirthday" party, inviting a group of friends or family members. A silly idea that all the kids will enjoy and remember your child for. And this is a shared experience that your child will always remember you for, too.
• Send your child a funny greeting card by mail. You can make it or you can buy one especially designed for kids. Kids love to receive mail. And if the mail is funny, they won't forget.
• The next time you see one advertised in a catalog or magazine, order a copy of the newspaper that was published on your child's birth date. Give it as a special birthday gift. This sends your child the message that his or her birthday was one of the most important days in your life, simply because he or she was born on that day.
• Remember those photo booths in airports, shopping malls, and amusement parks? Next time you and your child pass one, invest in some funny-face photos of the two of you together. They will be treasured for a long time.
• When you find a comic strip or cartoon relevant to your child, photo-copy it with a cut-out picture of your child's head pasted over the head of that favorite comic character.
• Teach your child a few simple riddles and jokes to tell friends so that she or he can get a good laugh. Creating a laugh gives kids a powerful and wonderful feeling.
• Designate one special frame for a permanent, prominent display of the current school photo of your child. Keep putting the new one on top of the old one, letting the frame serve as storage for those pictures of past years.

Share Your Imperfections:
One of the most important ways to show your child you are neat is to share your imperfections. Let your child play with your vulnerabilities, telling your child about your most embarrassing moments and encouraging your child to share with you his or her most embarrassing moments. Kids feel imperfect about a lot of things; this is particularly true for new kids placed at older ages. Children appreciate an adult who can playfully make a fool out of everyday foibles, or an adult who can take a joke from a child, or an adult who will allow that child to play with their imperfections, or an adult who, after being accidentally embarrassed by a child, can laugh about it anyway.
For example: It isn't a secret in my house that I have a hard time translating spelled-aloud words unless I can write them down first. If you said to me, let's go to the C-A-R, I'd have no idea you want to go to the car unless I first wrote it down: C-A-R. At an early age, my daughter learned about this imperfection and has played with this information many times.
One day when she was about three years old, as she sat in her stroller with her coat on, ready to take a walk outside, my wife stopped me and suggested, "Why don't you take her to the P-A-R-K?" "Where's the Penny Arcade?" I asked. "No, the P-A-R-K," repeats my wife. After several more rounds our three-year-old daughter finally says, "No, Daddy! The park. Mommy said the park!"
From then on, my daughter knew about my imperfection. She also knew I wasn't defensive about it. She had my implicit permission to play with it. One day she had a friend over when I came home from work. I started playfully kidding with the two little girls, when my daughter decided to tell her little friend that her Daddy "is a S-I-L-L-Y B-O-Y." I had no idea what she had spelled. I wanted to know, because it was an eight-letter word that began with S and I wanted to make sure she wasn't spelling out some curse word (like sh-head) or something. So, I'm running around all over the house finding a pencil here, a piece of paper there, and then I spell out S-I-L-L-Y B-O-Y - and I realize that it's not only not a curse word, that indeed it was probably one of the biggest compliments a daughter can bestow on to her father.
For years, in order to avoid being understood by their young children, parents have spelled words aloud. In my household, however, my young child spelled out words in front of her father so that her father did not know what was being said. She took full advantage of playing with her father's imperfections. Kids do many things to embarrass their parents. It is up to the adult to use it as a attachment experience.
Please read the following: "The opportunity for attaching isnowhere." Did you read "The opportunity for attaching is no where" or "The opportunity for attaching is now here"? We all saw the same thing but we might have made of it something completely different. You have a choice: you can look at routine situations, particularly those in which your child's action leads to an embarrassing moment, either as attachment experiences or as its opposite. Whether the experience is an "attaching is now here" opportunity or an "attaching is no where" opportunity is completely up to you.
One summer day, a co-worker, Liza, of mine brought her newly-adopted 8-year-old son Richie into the office because she was getting ready to go to a birthday party for herself after work. "Hey Liza, how old you gonna be?" I asked, knowing perfectly well she was approaching the 40-year mark. "It ain't none of your business!" Liza retorted. "Oh, come on, tell me!" "No way!" Then Richie jumped in, "Mr. Pat, I know how old Mommy's gonna be!" "Don't you dare tell him!" his mother threatened. Following his mother's instructions obediently, Richie said calmly, " Mommy's 22." "Well, okay, you tell him anything you want," says Mom, joining in everybody's laughter. Now, I'm wondering why he thinks his mother is 22. I figured we might get another little laugh out of discovering that his mom actually tells him she is 22. So I ask, "Hey Richie, how do you know your mom's 22?" Very innocently, Richie replies, "Because whenever I look in Mommy's dresses, they all say 22 in them." Did you ever try to hold in a laugh that needs to come out? Everyone in the office wanted to burst out laughing, but we all had to hold it in and look over to Liza first. When Liza started laughing, every one joined her in relief. It was one of those precious moments that Liza and Richie will be able to share forever. This potentially awkward situation turned into a attachment experience because Liza allowed it to do so. She could have gotten very angry, taken Richie home and punished him. Many parents would have done so for a lot less. But Liza saw the "now here" humor in the situation.
Think about these two stories, and the next time you stumble on the opportunity to share an imperfection or two with your child, do so. It is one of the most wonderful attachment experiences there is.
Develop a "Joy Journal":
I could share these stories with you for one reason and one reason only: because after they happened, I wrote them down. I was able to recall them time and time again because I took the time to write them in my "joy journal." If we can simply recall the funny things that have happened in our lives, we'll never stand in need of another joke to tell.
Taking the time the time to help your child develop his or her own "joy journal" is another wonderful attachment experience. Kids love to be able to tell things that make people laugh. Keeping a joy journal full of funny stories, especially stories that have occurred since their placement as an older child with, will continuously remind them of the good times they have experienced since moving in with you, which can only help cement the parent/child relationship and bond.
Probably the best case ever made for developing a joy journal was offered by C.W. Metcalf in his book Lighten Up: Survival Skills for People Under Pressure. He told a story of working as a volunteer with a terminally-ill 13-year-old boy named Chuck who had been sent home from the hospital to die. As the following passage indicates, Chuck really believed in recording his joyful moments of life. Fortunately, both Chuck and Mr. Metcalf remembered to write it down:
The Gift of Joy:
Chuck was thirteen when he came home from the hospital. He came home not because he was getting better but because he wanted to be with the people he knew and loved when he died. A nurse was on duty to help with medications when I came by the house to visit with him and his family several times a week. On most of my visits, Chuck was unconscious or groggy from the heavy intravenous doses of morphine he was given for pain control. But the last time I saw him alive, he was awake and remarkably lucid. "I got something for you." He reached under his pillow and withdrew a rolled-up, somewhat crumpled sheaf of papers. "I want you to give this to my mom and dad after I die. You'll know when it's right, I guess. Will you?" "What is it?" I asked. "It's a list of all the fun we had, all the times we laughed." I almost gasped in amazement. With all the fear and anger and disappointment he had every right to be feeling, here he was trying to look out for his parents.
"Like what?" I asked feebly, trying to regain my composure. Chuck grinned, and launched into a story I wouldn't have thought he had the strength to tell. "Like the time Mom and Dad and Chrissie and Linda and me were dressed up as those guys in the Fruit of the Loom underwear ad, and Dad's driving us to a costume party. Dad was a bunch of grapes and I was an apple, and the others were different things like bananas and stuff. And Dad gets pulled over for speeding. When the policewoman came up to the car, she looked in and just started laughin' really hard. I mean, she could hardly stand up, ya know? And we all started laughing and the cop said: 'Where you all headed - a salad bar?' Dad said he was sorry to be speeding, but his kids were getting so ripe that they were starting to draw flies. And the cop laughed till she had to take off her dark glasses and wipe tears from her eyes, and she said 'Well, get out of here, but go slow; I don't want to find you squashed all over the highway.'"
Chuck laughed and so did I. Later that night, I looked over the pages, reviewing a list that included Disney World, horseback riding, camping, the speeding fruit story, and others, some of which made me laugh out loud. What an incredible gift, I thought. The list ended with a note from Chuck to his parents.
"I know you're real upset right now that I'm going away, but I don't want you to forget this stuff. I don't want you to just remember me being skinny and sick. Think about these things, too, because these are what I remember most."
Conclusion:
I can go on all day with stories about how humor, laughter, playfulness, and silliness help cement relationships. The most important thing to learn from all of them is the importance of being silly, of sharing your imperfections, of giving your child permission to kid around and joke with you, and of savoring these stories by writing them down in your own, and your child's, joy journals.
I'd like to end with a letter written by a young adult whom I placed with a single mom. Mom had been so proud when her daughter made it to college. She so much wanted her to succeed good grades that she would get very upset when her daughter's grades weren't so good. One day this mom got a letter from her daughter:
Dear Mom:
I am sorry that I have not written, but all my stationary was destroyed when the dorm burned down. I am now out of the hospital and the doctors says that I will be fully recovered soon. I have also moved in with the boy who rescued me, since most of my stuff was destroyed in the fire.
Oh yes, I know that you have always wanted a grandchild, so you will be pleased to know that I am pregnant and you will have one soon. The wedding date is set for the middle of the month and I hope you can make it.
See ya soon.
With Love, Carla
PS. There was no fire, my health is perfectly fine, and I am not pregnant. In fact, I do not even have a boyfriend. However, I did get a D in French and a C in Math and Chemistry. I just wanted to make sure that you keep it all in perspective.

Children In Foster Care: Societal and Financial Costs

Children in Foster Care
Societal and Financial Costs

A Family For Every Child (AFFEC) is dedicated to find loving,
permanent families for every waiting foster child. While the heart
understands the importance of family, a clear calculation of the
societal and financial costs incurred when children languish in foster
care adds to the sense of urgency and the importance of success in
realizing our mission. This report aims to highlight the costs to the
foster child and to society when children are not adopted or reunited
with family members.
The analysis in this report shows that A Family For Every Child
(AFFEC) works as an effective investment in promoting the team
effort it takes to place children into permanent families.

Amanda Fixsen M.S.

Interested Parties,
While it is intuitive that finding permanent families for waiting foster children results in financial
savings to the public, to define those saving is much more difficult. It was clear that in order for A Family
For Every Child (AFFEC) to make meaningful appeal for operational funding, we would need to present
credible, valid measures of the savings we help facilitate. No such measures currently exist, and so we set
about creating them.
After considerable investigation and outreach, we struck a conversation with Dr. Katharine Cahn,
Ph.D., Executive Director of the Center for Improvement of Child and Family Services at Portland State
University’s School of Social Work. Dr. Cahn immediately grasped the need for and complexity of the task
we framed. She referred us to the research consultation services of Mrs. Amanda Fixsen, M.S., Social Work
and Social Research Doctoral Candidate at Portland State University. In the spring of 2011, Mrs. Fixsen and
we set about that task, and several months later Mrs. Fixsen delivered the report which follows.
This is a developing, iterative process. We fully expect levels of precision with the data to improve
over time, as many of the measures make sense only after forward-going-basis data collection points and
systems are created, compiled, vetted and placed into meaningful context.
Literally everything A Family For Every Child (AFFEC) does is geared toward moving foster children
into life-long permanency with adoptive families. All our programs were designed to fill in cracks in the
pavement on the roadway toward permanency. It is reasonable to expect us to develop new programs and
to expand or amend existing programs as new or changed conditions present. Accordingly, we anticipate an
accompanying need for us to expand and refine our data collection, processing and publication as
conditions dictate in the future.

The Board of Directors
A Family For Every Child
November, 2011

Foster Kids and Drugs

Ida Mae Astute/ABC

Foster Kids' Place to Hope: Agency Aims to Reduce Meds

Courtesy Lisa Ward

Mind-Altering Drugs for a 7-Year-Old

ABC News

Boy Testifies: Years of 'Stupid' Meds

We Need your help for our Princess For a Day Event

PRINCESS FOR A DAY 2012

On March 4, 2012, we will be hosting our 4th annual Princess for a Day event. This special day is an opportunity for Oregon girls to be treated like a princess for a day. It is designed to be a gift for foster children in the community as well as to raise awareness of foster children in Oregon. Each princess will take home a gown, crown, and slippers too. She’ll have her hair and nails done, and be in her very own photo shoot. Last but not least she and a guest will attend a tea party fit for a queen

We need your help-

What: New or gently used dresses, shoes, and accessories to fit girls ages 2-18.

When: Before February 20th, 2012 , drop off at our office 880 Beltline Rd. Springfield, Linzy@afamilyforeverychild.org-541-345-2856, or become a drop off place in your business/school

Why: Every girl deserves to feel like royalty. The Princess for A Day event does just that. Girls in the community spend a day getting all dolled up from their hair and makeup, to a beautiful gown and slippers.