How to get past it when match fails?

How to get past it when match fails?

So we were matched the beginning of July with an Emom. We spoke on the phone several times with the agency mediating. Then we went to the state for the delivery. We had dinner first which went very well. She kept telling us we were the perfect family and kept referring to the baby as ours. (which did bother me, I knew the baby was not ours yet)

We had high hopes then things started to unravel. Too much drama to get into on a post but long story short she must have been having second thoughts on placing but I guess didn’t know how to handle the situation properly. Even when asked by the agency as well as myself; “are you changing your mind, it is ok if you are, just let us know” she would deny it and say “no you are the only parents for my child”. She ended up delivering quickly. As we were driving to the hospital she was texting me “hurry my water broke” “your baby is being born”. We got to the hospital too late for the birth and then I received one last text” So sorry I changed my mind”.

I felt like someone punched me in the gut. My husband and I stood there outside the maternity ward stunned. We knew this could happen but the way it happened was hard.

Now we are home and I’m stuck with this pit in my stomach and a hole in my heart. How to we get past this? How do I make this feeling of heartache go away? Part of me wants to give up trying to adopt. It’s too hard. I feel like I have no control and am at the complete mercy of others. Trying to start a family has been one of the worst experiences of my life. Three miscarriages, going about 1 1/2 years with out being chosen, now this failure. It all feels like too much. I just don’t know what to do.