In October a novelist named James Collins contributed an Op-ed to the New York Times Opinion section in which he wrote that he was Mark Zuckerberg’s biological father and asked for money so that they could keep the whole thing out of the media. This was a tongue-in-cheek letter that stemmed from the untimely death of Apple co-founder Steve Jobs, and the interest in his life and the fact that he was adopted. Mark Zuckerberg, the creator of Facebook, is not an adopted child. The letter was intended to be a humorous joke that the biological parents of Steve Jobs would perhaps have had access to a great deal of money.
One reader did not find it so funny. In a Letter To the Editor Pamela Vetter of Austin, TX responded,
“As an adult adoptee, I have listened to all the reporting about Steve Job’s death with weariness. We adoptees are by turns curiosities, objects of derision and seemingly another species that some people just do not comprehend”.
Ms. Vetter was offended by the idea of making adoption a topic for a joke, perhaps because she went through what many adopted children go through. Constant scrutiny and questions from their peers.
Ms. Vetter went on to say, “I’ve heard other adult adoptees describe us as ‘the last bastion of legal discrimination’ for the lack of rights we have (in most states) to our own histories. Who would make such derogatory jokes about any ethnic group, physically or mentally disabled group or economically disadvantaged group?” An adopted child is a member of a minority, and it’s important to prepare the adoptee for the kinds of attitudes they will encounter from people who probably will not understand. Helping them feel secure and able to answer questions in a way that their peers can grasp is an important part of raising an adopted child.
A variety of questions will be asked of your adopted child by his or her peers, and it’s a good idea to accept that children are inquisitive by nature and that they will not know how to be sensitive to your child’s feelings. Some of these questions might be,
“How come you don’t look like your Mom?”
“Didn’t your real Mom want you?”
“Do you think your real Mom misses you?”
“Are those your real brothers and sisters?”
Most children aren’t educated about adoption and what it means, so when these questions are asked, try and help your child be able to give an answer they are comfortable with. Keep in mind that your responses and the ways you prepare your child need to be developmentally appropriate. At different ages, children are able to grasp different things, so as you prepare your child, keep in mind what they can handle now, and that as they age there will be more questions. In the article “Talking to your Six-to-Eight-Year-Old About Adoption” in Adoptive Families Magazine author Susan Saidman advises a system called “T.I.P. =Tell, Ignore, Keep it Private”. She writes, “This acronym helps children remember that they can choose whom they do and do not want to share personal information with”.
There are many resources available to parents who wish to prepare their child, such as literature, magazine articles, and support groups. Experiences of other parents are also great teaching tools, so chat rooms and blogs are excellent ways to share first hand experiences. Remember that whether you want your child’s peers to ask questions or not, they most certainly will, and you are your child’s best defense. Whatever method you choose to help your child answer questions, keep in mind that the answers to these sensitive questions shape your child’s view of themselves, not just the other child’s perception of them.
Marie Langager
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