How to Grow you Heart By giving it Away

How to Grow You Heart by Giving it Away

No one can say it better than a former foster child.

I came across a powerful blog written by a former foster child. Honestly our hearts broke for her and for the thousands and thousands of other kids that we as a society have failed miserably. Although all the information on the blog is anonymous, I found myself longing to help her.
If you are a foster parent (or even if you’re not!) the following excerpt from LT’s blog will be invaluable to you. It’s lengthy but extremely important. Here is what she had to say about what makes a good foster parent:
1. Caring and Interest
Show interest in the child. Ask what is going on in their world. Ask what they feel. They may not answer, but show that you are interested. Showing interest shows you care. In so many of the foster homes/group homes I stayed in, no-one even asked about school, let alone how I felt or what was going on in my world. I knew they never cared about me. Foster kids may act like we don’t want you to care about us, but deep down we do. We are just trying to protect ourselves from getting hurt again.
Show you care. Sometimes children in foster care “can’t hear” your caring. You tell them you care and they say “*!?* you.” Sometimes words mean nothing to a foster kid, because words have been nothing but lies from their bio-parents and therefore hold no weight. Therefore, show you care. This takes more effort, but do it.
Examples:
• Go out of the way to cook their favorite dinner
• Ask to see their homework
• If they did well on a test or an assignment — display it on the refrigerator or go celebrate
• Spend time with the child doing an activity – walking the dog, playing football, etc.
Sometimes actions speak much louder than words – in a foster kids world. As trust develops, words become important, but at first it might be actions
2. Patience, Gentleness, Steadiness; but Firm Boundaries
I don’t believe in yelling at foster children and I actually do not believe in “tough parenting or tough punishment.” These kids have had enough “toughness” and hostility in their lives. I think of a good foster parent as acting similar to how the Taoist describe water. Water flows gently and peacefully, but over time is so powerful that it is able to carve through rock.
Display gentleness, steadiness, and firm boundaries regarding what is appropriate and what is not. Set the boundaries early in the relationship. When the boundaries are tested, stand firm; not with hostility but explanation.
For example:
• “LT, we eat at the table; not walking around the house because we don’t won’t crumbs everywhere. Come and sit down.”
• “LT, we don’t condone you smoking. You can NOT smoke in the house. If you are going to smoke which is not healthy for you, you must smoke outside. If you smoke inside, we will take the cigarettes.”
• “LT, sneaking out at night is NOT permitted. We care where you are and are concerned if you are missing. One more time and you will spend the next month of weekends with us cleaning the garage and helping out at the community food shelter.”
Notice, boundary is said, explanation of caring and why it is not appropriate to break the boundary, and some discipline if necessary.
Expect the boundaries to be tested. This is a way of establishing whether you are trustworthy.
Showing anger, toughness, or threats will most likely make the child react “worse” – because they are testing you to take the next step. Stop this cycle. Gentleness, firmness and steadiness wins.
3. Creativity
Find ways to deal with the child’s issues creatively. Find ways to deal with the child’s feelings creatively. Find ways to deal with the child creatively. Think outside the box. Traditional methods do not work and put the child further into isolation. Remember my story about the Hippie foster parents…they encouraged dancing as an expression of feeling. It was a release of both energy and feeling for a kid (me) in so much turmoil.
Other positive examples of creativity:
• **Talk to the Stars Game. My 2nd foster home did this. Because I could not talk to “people” and was very afraid of “people,” they started the “Talk to the stars” game. When the stars came out, we would go sit outside on a blanket and my foster mother would say something like: “Hello stars – we are glad to see you tonight and we came to talk to you.” Then she would say a phrase like “I am so tired.” Then each of us would point to a star twinkling and that would be a sign that the star heard. When we found 5 stars twinkling at us, it would be my turn to “Talk” to the stars. I would say a phrase and then we would look for the twinkling stars. Over time the phrases became more detailed and descriptive of my feelings and fears.
• A food storage container in my room where I could put the food I was stealing and hoarding. Instead of hiding food all over the room, I put the food in that bin, that was mine. Every couple of days, me and my foster mother would go through it to see if anything needed to be thrown away and we would talk about it. It was my safe space. I knew food was always there. No-one else could go into the storage bin without me knowing.
• “Punishment” that was activities with the family, such as raking leaves. This actually turned into a fun activity because we wound up “playing” in the leaves which released energy and tension.
4. Ability to Put Yourself in the “Child’s Shoes”
I guess this is called empathy. Never forget no matter how “bad” we have acted, that we are children. What may seem really stupid to you, most likely makes perfect sense to the child. For example, I am always amazed that beginning foster parents are shocked that foster children eat a ton of food or steal and hoard food. Many are overwhelmed by this. But, if you are a child where there was not constant food and you are starving, it makes perfect sense to steal and hide food.
Have you ever been starving? I don’t mean “oh, I didn’t eat dinner TODAY” starving — I mean you are so !*?* hungry that you eat paper to try to stop the pain in your stomach? or carpet? Starving where you can feel your stomach eating itself. That type of starving? For weeks? For longer? Have you?
Have you ever wondered when your next any food item will come– when your parents will put something in the refrigerator? And you give up waiting and search the trash cans, willing to eat bread that is soggy and covered with mold? Or half-eaten pizza that you find under table trash and cigarette ashes from a restaurant? Or a banana that well, you can’t really tell what it is….but it smells like something to eat.
This is what I mean. Put yourself in the of the child…..and it all makes sense.
5. Sense of Humor
This is incredibility important. Humor is at times the best medicine and a huge stress reliever for both the foster mom and foster child.
For example: When I was young, one of my “bad habits” when I was upset was writing on walls—all walls. In one foster home I lived in, the foster mother purchased all kinds of paper, in all sizes, shapes, colors, in hopes of getting me to write on the paper instead of the walls. She laid them on the floor, in almost every room. Normally I wrote on every wall in my bedroom, all four of them. One day I wrote on only one wall and then started writing on the papers on the floor. When my foster mother came in, instead of yelling at me for writing on the wall again, she looked at the floor, laughed and said “Progress LT. Good job.” She did not get mad, she laughed. Then she got on the floor and colored with me.
6. Willingness to Want to Teach and to Learn
Foster children come from a different life than you are probably accustomed to. Some of it bad, some of it good, and some of it different. Use this opportunity to both teach and learn from the children.
For example:
• I never ate at a table and never knew formal “manners” until I went to foster care. I had to be taught those.
• I never brushed my teeth before. I had to be taught to do that and why.
• I had to be taught to change clothes every day. When I lived with my bioparents, no-one cared and I did not have alot of clothes. I kept wearing the same things. Then when I went to foster care, there was “lots” of shirts and pants and socks. I had to be taught to wear different clothes and that clothes needed to be washed.
These may be extreme examples, but the point is that my world with my bioparents was very different than “normal” and I had alot to learn.
But at the same time, the foster parents had to want to learn what my world was like. That included listening to my experiences, hearing my feelings, and trying to understand what it was like for me. It may be hard to learn about all these things, but it helps aid in empathy and understanding the child. And it helps the child heal and make sense of things.
In a more concrete example, many foster children are educationally behind or have difficulties. Share your knowledge about the world, your ability to read, and be willing to teach the child — from things like school work, to things about the world, to things about survival. In my blog I mention many “things” I should have been taught along the way – school, cooking, how to drive, how to get a bank account and manage money, etc.etc. I also talk about some things I learned — building fires, appreciation of music, how to make water safe, that it was ok to drop stuff, etc. etc.
7. Creative Punishment that Forces Engagement, Not Isolation
Punishing foster children so that they are isolated, alone, sent back, etc. is not helping them at all. They act-out in fear, in anger, to test what will happen. If you respond as they expect, you prove that they are not worthwhile or are bad…exactly what they want.
Use creative punishment that ENGAGES the child to be with you. For example from my own experiences: raking leaves with the family, cooking dinner with the foster mother, building a birdhouse with the foster father, cleaning and picking up a room with the foster mother, etc.
Foster children are used to being alone. Punishing them so that they are “alone” again, does nothing but enforce their negative feelings about themselves and the world.
8. SMILE
Please smile. Many of us come from worlds where there were no smiles, no soft gentle eyes, no looks of happiness. Example: When I was 7 and I went into foster care, my first foster mother, Ms. Liz was a wonderful lady. She smiled. I was so captivated by her smile that I remember taking my fingers and running them along her lips to the corner… for which she would smile more. I don’t think I ever saw “smile” that much.
So, freaking SMILE.
9. FIGHT For Foster Kid’s Rights.
A good foster parent will fight to get the child what she/he needs. If you have read some of the comments on my blog, foster parents talk about having to “fight” for the child. If you don’t fight, the child will slip through the cracks. You may have to fight for mental health treatment, ILP, less visitation, more visitation, … the list goes on.
Example: I left foster care at 18 with a bad eating disorder, severe self-harming behavior, and mental illness that should have been treated by therapy. I left without life skill classes and without finishing high school. I should have been in a permanent placement early on in care. Fight for these things — the kids deserve themPart of being a good foster parent is being an advocate for the child. Because most likely, the child can’t or won’t advocate for themselves. SPEAK UP!
10. Be Willing to “Step Back in Time”
Foster kids may be emotionally younger than their chronological age. It may not be a developmental delay, but an emotional delay. Don’t be afraid to step back in time with a foster child, because, well, they may have missed alot of “stuff.”
Examples I can think of:
• Reading to them and having them read to you
• Playing with toys and games with them
• Teaching about different foods like what fruits are or how to cook
• Taking the child to a place like a zoo — where they may never have been
Example: When I went into foster care, one of my favorite games at age 7 was Candy Land. I had NEVER played that and I loved the colors and the counting and the candy. I thought it was funny. That game is for young children, but I played it constantly. I also was fascinated with Hungry Hungry Hippos, which is this game where you push the back of the hippo and it opens up to eat the marbles that are rolling around the board. The person whose Hippo eats the most marbles wins. I thought it was hysterical and it was about food. That game was also “below” where I should have been.
11. Let the Children Have a “Life”
Just because the children in your home are “foster children,” does not mean they don’t need a life. Encourage sports, music, extracurricular activities that can help build their self-esteem and that they enjoy. I know things cost money, but if money is an issue, encourage school-based activities or free activities. I grew up never having any extracurricular activities but wishing I had; because now as a young adult, I have very little clue what I like or what I would like to do for “fun.” I never experienced playing a sport or the yearbook club or drama club or playing an instrument, etc. All these things help define a child…make sure the opportunity is there.
**Think about cross-over if the child is moved. Are there activities that the child can continue if moved to another home? Sometimes foster parents and workers use the excuse that the kids “move so much” and that is why they are not active…work hard to think about ways to get them involved in activities that can stay CONSTANT.
12. Be THE Parent
Just because you are a “foster parent” does not mean you should not be THE parent. What I mean is attend parent-teacher conferences, attend the science fair, attend the game or the play or whatever else the child is involved in. Include them in your family events; don’t isolate them away. Act like their parent; not a friend, etc. because a parent is what the child needs.
13. Don’t Give Up!
This is probably the hardest suggestion to give, because I recognize that being a foster parent is not easy. I also recognize that you may get some kids who “give you a run for your money” and that you want to send back. My advice is to please think carefully about your decision. Although we as foster kids may egg-you-on to “send us back” or “to get rid of us” — deep down inside we are really terrified of being abandoned again. And in most cases, we are just testing you to do so. When you make that decision to get rid of us, in most children, it is very painful because we again feel “bad,” “unwanted,” “unworthy,” etc.
The example I share here, I am NOT proud about and feel tremendous guilt about to this day; but it eloquently shows what I mean.
Example: Recall the Hippies…one of the best foster homes I lived in. For personal reasons, they could no longer keep me and made the decision to “send me back.” I was devastated inside; beyond belief….. but I cursed them out, acted-out, and set fire to many of their record albums. My behaviors were so “bad” that they “sent me back” several weeks before the planned time. Their reaction to me acting-out reinforced how horrible I felt about myself and how “bad” I truly was.
It is like a vicious cycle. We egg-you-on, you respond how we expect, and it proves exactly how horrible we are. … Break that cycle and don’t respond or react how the foster kid wants. This builds trust.
If you give up, deep down inside, so does a piece of us. A shattered heart is hard to rebuild.
14. LISTEN
Please. Hear us. Sometimes lending your ear to a child in pain and turmoil is the best thing in the world. When a child is ready, she/he will talk. And when she/he talks….PLEASE LISTEN.
15. Be HONEST. Period.
Don’t lie — about anything. We are lied to enough by bioparents and many other people in our lives. Model honesty. Lying will break trust.
Don’t lie about our bioparents, don’t lie about why we are in foster care, don’t lie about yourselves. If you don’t know the answer, say so; but do not lie. Foster children tend to be excellent at reading body language and small signals — it is part of being hypervigilant. If you lie, we will know it….eventually.
The foster parents I respected the most were the ones who told me the truth no matter how hard it was to hear. For example:
• “LT, I know you want to see your mom, but everyone has tried very hard to find her. She is gone. They will keep trying but if she does not come back, there is no way to see her.”
• “LT, your dad is going to jail. The judge made the decision. You are safe now. But many many years from now, he may get out. But then you will be big. Do you have any questions?”
• “LT, you have to leave our home because we are moving to another state. We can’t take you with us. We only wanted to do foster care and never planned on adopting. “
These examples were somewhat confusing and painful at the time, but I appreciate the honesty. Lies DO NOT protect….always remember that.
There you have it, Foster Care 101, spoken by one who knows. You can read LT’s story at http://looneytunes09.wordpress.com/ **Just a heads up that the language may be offensive-but it is this young woman’s reality.

Foster youth switch schools at huge rate

September 25th, 2013 |
By Kathryn Baron

It’s well known that foster youth change schools more frequently than other students, but a new study using pioneering data analysis shows foster youth are more than twice as likely to switch schools as their classmates.
Researchers at UC Berkeley’s Center for Social Services Research and at the Institute for Evidence-Based Change, a nonprofit based in Encinitas, found that about 95 percent of foster youth changed schools the first year they were placed in care compared to 37 percent to 38 percent of students in a comparison group.
That figure surprised attorney Jesse Hahnel, director of foster youth programs at the National Center for Youth Law in Oakland.
“You know that (foster youth) move, but, my God, I didn’t know that they move that much,” Hahnel said. “There’s a plethora of research pointing to the fact that every time a student transfers they lose six months of learning and are less likely to graduate from high school.”

Less than half of California foster youth graduate from high school or earn a GED. Source: Stuart Foundation.

There are about 55,000 foster youth in California; 80 percent of them are school age. (Studies have also shown that less than 80 percent of them are school age.) Researchers have also found that less than half of them complete high school.
In compiling the data on foster youth stability, researchers followed students in grades 3 to 8 for three years, beginning in the 2003-04 school year. It’s only the second longitudinal study of its kind, made possible by a project that linked two databases, the California Partnership for Achieving Student Success and the Child Welfare Services Case Management System. Students’ identities were encrypted so their privacy was not compromised during the research.
The foster students and a comparison group were matched by grade level, school year, gender, ethnicity, English learner status, participation in the National School Lunch Program, disability, district or school, state rank and baseline level on California standardized tests. The only difference was that students in the comparison group were not in foster care.
“The really big thing for us is that you can learn more about the foster youth through this combining of massive databases because it shed new light,” said Dana Quittner, a spokesperson for the Institute for Evidence-Based Change.
Michelle Lustig, director of the foster youth services program at the San Diego County Office of Education, said one finding in the report “jumped out at” her, and she’s already pondering what to do about it.
While highlighting how frequently foster youth change schools, the study, paradoxically, raised a significant caveat regarding how many times students switch schools. Researchers found that in cases where foster youth are enrolled in high-poverty or low-performing schools, based on their statewide academic performance ranking, it’s probably better to move them. More than 50 percent of the students fell into that category.
Before reading the report, Lustig said she and her staff never even considered the variability of school quality when thinking about the best interests of the child.
“I had to sit down and say, we probably want to look at this,” she recalled. “Staying in the wrong school could be detrimental.”
Lustig met with her manager, sent a note out to her entire staff and contacted the California Foster Youth Education Task Force and asked them to forward the study to all the members.
She said this is a case where research provided information they could use to immediately improve the students’ circumstances.
That helps counterbalance what educators can’t do for students in foster care. The report found that even before kids are placed in foster care, their life circumstances already put them at risk for doing poorly in school. Foster youth generally are participants in the National School Lunch Program and others are English learners, which the report found are “better predictors of academic performance over time” than being removed from homes for abuse or neglect.
Nearly 80 percent of students in the study who scored far below basic on the California Standards Tests participated in the National School Lunch Program. Foster youth in those groups were more likely to score “far below basic” on the California Standards Tests in math and English language arts. Among students who scored in the proficient range, 68 to 71 percent were in the lunch program.
The study’s authors are planning more research to refine the measures of school quality and how it affects academic achievement for foster youth. They’re also urging other states to replicate California’s model.
“This California study is a strong indicator of what can be accomplished through linking diverse data bases,” said Brad Phillips, president of the Institute for Evidence-Based Research. He said it could be used “to explore the combination of social services and education data to improve the knowledge base concerning foster youth, the challenges facing them, and the opportunities to address them.”

Going deeper

Foster Youth Stability report by UC Berkeley’s Center for Social Services Research and the Institute for Evidence-Based Change
Foster Youth Transitions report on educational outcomes for foster youth, by the Center for Social Services Research and the Institute for Evidence-Based Change
At Greater Risk: California Foster Youth and the Path from High School to College, Stuart Foundation, March 2013
California Child Welfare Indicators Project, UC Berkeley and the California Department of Social Services

Help available to adopt special needs kids

Leila Adams watches her husband, John Adams, gets a kiss from their adopted special needs daughter, Ruby, 2, as he comes home from work. (Nuccio DiNuzzo, Chicago Tribune)

Adopting a healthy child can put a huge dent into your bank account. If you adopt a special needs child, you add a lifetime of medical bills.
Fortunately, help is available. In the last decade, many nonprofit associations have been formed to grant money to help with the adoption of special needs children. Other funds and financial resources are available through adoption agencies and the state and federal governments. Each organization has different criteria, though, so parents must do their homework.

"People rule out special needs adoption because they think they have to be Hollywood stars to afford it, but you don't," said Jenna Fernandez, of Naperville. She and her husband, Ray, adopted a daughter, now 5, who has developmental delays and cerebral palsy, and a son, now 11 months. "You may have to make sacrifices; we've delayed buying a home. But there's help."
To defray adoption legal fees, the Fernandezes received a grant from Northbrook-based Gift of Adoption. And they took advantage of the federal adoption tax credit (irs.gov), which has a current maximum of $12,650.
According to the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, adopting a child can cost as much as $50,000. Raising a special needs child includes many costs other parents don't have, such as pediatric wheelchairs and car ramps. Even with health insurance, the families must pay for each child's deductible and for uncovered expenses.
Many organizations that grant money to adoptees have adoption stories behind them. Show Hope in Franklin, Tenn., for example, was named for the girl (Shaohannah) who was adopted from China in 2000 by singer Steven Chapman and his wife, Mary Beth.
"They started the organization so they could use their celebrity to help more families adopt," said executive director Scott Hasenbalg.
Some adoption agencies have their own programs to help parents finance special needs adoptions.
Families who adopt through Bethany Christian Services (bethany.org) in Palos Heights can tap the agency's Caring Connection fund. The Finding Families for Children fund helps parents of "medically fragile" children who are adopted through the Cradle in Evanston.
Chicagoans Leila and John Adams tapped the Finding Families for Children fund for the $200-a-month cost of food supplements prescribed for their daughter, Ruby, now age 2. The Cradle did the homestudy for their adoption.
Through the agency that facilitated Ruby's adoption from Armenia, the Adamses learned about Illinois' Early Intervention program (dhs.state.il.us), which provides testing for children through age 3.
Although Ruby may evade the "special needs" label in the long term, she needs help battling the effects of her low birth weight (2 pounds) and her "failure to thrive" early diagnosis.
"Because of limited resources they had in Armenia, she has a complicated combination of problems," Leila said.
Leila's advice to other parents: If possible, switch your health insurance plan from an HMO to a PPO to broaden your choices of service providers.
"For example, it's hard to draw blood from her because of her malnourishment, so now we can go to a specialist in Chicago who can do it," she said.

Some special needs children qualify for federal Supplemental Security Income (ssa.gov). The state uses the federal criteria to determine if a child is eligible for the Illinois Adoption Assistance Program (state.il.us/dcfs), which is available for domestic special needs adoptees. The state program includes a one-time reimbursement for adoption expenses, monthly assistance from $400 to $980 and a medical card for doctor visits and drugs. The sticky point: A child must be approved for the state program before his or her adoption is finalized.
To make sure you take full advantage of the governmental programs, "hire an attorney who specializes in adoption law, because the eligibility rules are complicated," advised Christina Schneider, attorney at the Illinois Department of Children and Family Services.
Many adoptive parents also get reimbursements from their employers. The larger the employer, the more likely it offers this benefit.
"Even if the company doesn't offer anything officially, it doesn't hurt to ask," said Gloria Hochman, spokeswoman for the Philadelphia-based National Adoption Center, which educates parents about financial resources. "More and more employers offer adoption benefits because it's a win-win situation. It doesn't cost the employer much, because it affects a relatively small number of employees, but it tells the employee that the company looks kindly toward adoption."
To find the top 100 adoption-friendly employers, see the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption (davethomasfoundation.org), named for the Wendy's Co. founder, who was an adoptee.
Military families also qualify for adoption fee reimbursements of up to $2,000 (militaryfamily.org).
And many groups also provide aid to assist in the adoption of healthy older children, especially when the adoption involves siblings.

Former foster children plead for kids to have attorneys

The common thread was control. Losing it. Yearning for it. Grasping for it.

That's part of being in the foster care system. moving from foster family to foster family, from school to school without any legal say in your fate.

Three women, all former foster kids, shared their experiences with the Washington House's Early Learning & Human Services Committee and Judiciary Committee on Thursday at a hearing in Olympia. They testified in favor of a stalled bill that would require the state to provide foster kids — indeed, all kids — with an attorney in family court cases where the child's parents have had their parental rights terminated.

"I did not know what it would be like to feel alone until I was in foster care (at the age of 5)," Delilah Bruskas, 48, told the committee. Delilah, who is from Tacoma, lived with seven foster families, attending four elementary, two junior high and four high schools. "If I had legal representation," she continued, "I'd have asked several questions: When can I see my mother? When can I go home? ... I feared social workers. To me, they were the most powerful people on earth. They could take a child from a family. ... I believe legal representation can ensure optimal outcomes."

"It takes away your humanity," said Mikhail Stewart, 21, of Olympia, about her journey through 22 different foster homes in six years. "It seems like you're a piece of property."
Mandy Urwiler, 19, of Seattle said the attorney she obtained in family court four years ago "treated me like an adult when the state treated me like a kid."

Washington's 39 counties are a hodgepodge of different rules about when to provide attorneys for foster children whose parents had their rights terminated. Right now, the appointment of attorneys in such cases is discretionary — based on a judge’s determination — and it varies widely across the state. King County appoints an attorney for children 12 and older; the Benton-Franklin county system for kids eight and older; judges in several counties don't appoint attorneys for kids at all.

"Youths are constantly baffled by the fact that some kids get an attorney and some do not," said Jim Theofelis, executive director of The Mockingbird Society, a foster care advocacy organization. "Surely, we do not want a justice-by-geography system. ... An unintended consequence of no legal representation is that it feeds that feeling of desperation in young people."

Washington is one of the worst states in the nation when it comes to giving children whose parents' rights have been terminated access to an attorney. (Kids in Massachusetts have the right to legal representation at birth.) But that may be starting to change.
In the last legislative session in Olympia, Rep. Roger Goodman, D-Kirkland, introduced a bill to lower the age — from 12 to 7 — at which a child must be informed of his or her right to an attorney. The bill passed the state House of Representatives (74-23). But the state Senate deleted the mandatory provision, giving judges discretion over whether to appoint an attorney. The Senate also bumped the minimum age back up to 12. Thus modified, Goodman’s bill was kicked back to the House, where it sat untouched for the rest of the session.

In the upcoming session, legislators will likely decide how to rank appropriations for this type of program against the state's other budget priorities, according to Rep. Jamie Pedersen, D-Seattle and chair of the judiciary committee.

Meanwhile, Cowlitz County Superior Court Judge Stephen Warning, speaking for the Washington Superior Court Judges Association, said the organization opposes the bill, albeit reluctantly, because many county governments can't afford the extra court-appointed attorneys. "The counties can't pay for this process," said Warning, adding that the association wants help from the state.

Family reunited after child welfare system odyssey

A college application essay tips off authorities to a family's slide into drugs and homelessness. After a year of parenting classes and drug treatment, the family is back together.

Danielle Stone plays with her brother Joseph after Friday's hearing. "Coming from a million-dollar house to being homeless .... it was a nightmare. Drugs were a way to not think about it," their mother said. (Luis Sinco / Los Angeles Times / September 20, 2013)

By Sandy Banks

September 23, 2013, 9:36 p.m.

The college application essay was the tipoff. It was beautifully written but painfully rendered; a high school student's story of her family's tumble from middle-class stability into homelessness and addiction.

It helped Danielle Stone earn a spot at UCLA. But it also drew her family into a yearlong odyssey through Los Angeles County's child welfare system.
A teacher who read the essay notified social workers. They visited the family in the San Pedro motel they moved into after a string of evictions.

"They felt like there might be emotional abuse," recalled Danielle's mother, Lisa Stone. "When they visited, everything was OK."
For the next six months, things were mostly OK. Then in the summer of 2012, social workers monitoring the family walked in on an ugly argument between mother and daughter. About a month later, they picked up Danielle's little brother from school and announced that he wouldn't be living with their parents anymore.
"They did an on-the-spot drug test, and we failed," said Lisa's husband, Archie Stone.
The couple began using drugs when they lost their home in the recession. Then Archie's paychecks from his longshoreman's job were garnished and they couldn't even afford an apartment.
"Coming from a million-dollar house to being homeless .... it was a nightmare," Lisa said. "Drugs were a way to not think about it."
They didn't realize how much they were hurting their children with their mood swings and neglect.
"The day social workers walked up the door with our daughter and son and said he was going to foster care, that was the worst day of our lives," she said.
::
If that was the worst day of their lives, last Friday was probably one of the best.
That afternoon they were among a half-dozen reunited families released from supervision by the Department of Children and Family Services.
To get their children back, Lisa and Archie had completed drug treatment programs, taken parenting classes, attended weekly therapy sessions and compiled a year's worth of clean drug tests.
"If you'd asked me at the time it happened whether we needed all of that, I'd be in total disagreement," Archie said. "But did it work out the way it should? It probably did.
"Our life has gotten a lot better. We're a lot closer than during our days of addiction. That part has really been good."
For years family reunification has been a goal of the child welfare system — and a target for critics when children suffer because parents don't make good.
But the horror stories don't tell the whole tale. So many children are taken from struggling parents with fixable problems that it makes sense to try to repair families rather than strand children in foster care.
"This is the best thing we do," said Judge Michael Nash, who presided over Friday's reunification hearings. "When we can put a family back together and get the government out of their lives, it's a victory for everybody involved."
Last year, 6,000 children were returned to their families in a county that has more than 17,000 children in foster care.

Strained Foster Care System A 'Meter Of Our Social Problems'

by NPR Staff

September 22, 2013 6:19 PM

Claudia Felder lives in Chino, Calif., with her parents. It's a wholesome scene: nice house, three dogs and a parrot and happy family pictures everywhere.
You'd have no idea that the composed, cheerful, articulate young woman got off to a rough start in life.
Felder spent much of her childhood in foster care, starting when she was 3 years old. She's 21 now, and has been living happily with her adoptive family. But memories of an abusive past still haunt her.
"To this day, every now and then, I'll have a nightmare," Felder tells NPR's Arun Rath. "It's my biological mom getting the crap beat out of her in a motel room. She had long hair, but her face is always fuzzed out, so I never remember what she looks like, I can't recall that."

Claudia Felder, 21, was in and out of the U.S. foster care system for nearly 10 years before she found a permanent family. Her difficult story ended happily, but that's not always the case for the 400,000 kids in foster care in America.

Daniel Hajek/NPR

Claudia Felder, 21, was in and out of the U.S. foster care system for nearly 10 years before she found a permanent family. Her difficult story ended happily, but that's not always the case for the 400,000 kids in foster care in America.

Daniel Hajek/NPR

After that incident, Felder entered the foster care system, where she spent the better part of the next 10 years.
Felder says she remember the homes and some of the names of the parents from when she first went into foster care. This is all she knew; always moving, never knowing when she was going to leave.
This tumultuous life mirrors that of other children in the U.S. There are about 400,000 kids in foster care in the U.S. — roughly the equivalent of all of the kids in Chicago Public Schools. Preventing their precarious home lives would be ideal, but the system itself still needs help, according to those who work in and research foster care.
'All We Had'
When Felder was in foster care, she was not completely alone. Her sister was with her, too. Felder's sister is three years younger than she, just a baby at the time.
"I raised my little sister through foster care," she says. "That's all we had was each other. She was a baby, [but] that still meant more to me than anything. Somebody I at least knew going through all these other changes in my life."
And there were plenty of changes. Felder says they were moving in-and-out of foster homes, not knowing where they'd end up next or how long they'd have to stay.
"I had about six foster homes, and all but one were physically and sexually abusive," she says. "So I experienced it with my biological parents and then five other homes. It was like an ongoing thing."
When Felder was adopted, it seemed like the nightmare would finally come to an end. By the age of 6, she had already been in five foster homes. She says it was difficult to adjust to home life and she got into trouble in school.
"I had a lot of trust issues [and] a lot of abandonment issues," she says.
After four years in that house, Felder says the family wanted her out. At age 10, they sent her back into foster care. But she left alone; the family wanted to keep her younger sister. It was devastating.
A Meter Of Society's Problems
Cris Beam, the author of the book To The End of June: The Intimate Life of American Foster Care, says this is the sort of life cycle of kids in foster care.
"They'll get pulled from their home at five or six and a van will come to them in the middle of the night, they'll take the kid, the kid is terrified, and they'll be put with a stranger," Beam says. "Imagine being five years old and suddenly being surrounded by strangers. They don't understand what's happening."
Beam has spent years researching foster care in America and is a foster parent herself. She says that all too often, these bewildered children will act out in various ways that can scare off ill-prepared foster parents who might otherwise adopt.
Beam says that the problems foster kids face are so intractable because they are also society's problems. She says it is impossible to address the foster care problem without tackling broader issues of drug abuse, domestic and sexual abuse, and poverty.
"They are a meter of our social problems," Beam says. "[But] not just a meter of how child welfare is failing or succeeding, they're a meter of how we are failing or succeeding as a society."
Not Enough Families
Alex Morales, the CEO of the Children's Bureau of Southern California, says the U.S. needs to focus on how it's going to prevent this problem in the first place.
"How do you reduce the situation so that you don't have 140,000 reports going on in a year?" Morales says. "You try to start very early with families ... prevention is ultimately the direction we need to invest in."
While prevention may be the key, Morales says there's still a crisis going on with Los Angeles Foster Care. There just aren't enough homes to take in kids, and that ongoing crisis in Los Angeles is one that reflects a national problem.
"The issue is, there are only about 3,000 foster homes," he says. "Not more than about five years ago, there were twice as many homes. The children have no place to go when they come into the care of the government or courts. Where do we put them?"
The answer is institutions and group homes. These aren't the old orphanages out of Charles Dickens, but according to Morales, the conditions in many group homes can be just as bleak. With overcrowding, kids end up sleeping in cots in adoption agencies; essentially office buildings become home.
Most social workers agree that even the best group home is no match for a real family, and it doesn't need to be a traditional one. Morales says that only a family can give these kids the kind of support they need.
"They're the final defenders of a child's future by saying, 'Look, the family has failed them, the system has failed them, and we're going to try to step in and be the last solution to catch this child before they go off the cliff into homelessness and jails,' " he says.
The Value Of A Home
After her first adoption failed, Claudia Felder spent almost seven months in a new foster home. She says it wasn't perfect, but it's where she met a new social worker. Someone she could trust. They talked about what Felder wanted.
"I remember talking about ... kids at school talking about sleepovers. What are they? I've always wanted to have a sleepover with a friend," Felder says. "The little things that a lot of people take for granted, it's like the things that a lot of kids and myself at that age longed for."
That social worker turned her life around, and eventually became Felder's mom.

Fictional 'Mothers' Reveal Facts Of A Painful Adoption Process

"I always say, I'm a really bad foster parent, because once they walk into the door, that's it, they're not leaving," says Kim Felder.
She could have adopted without the added difficulty of the foster care system, but says that she and her husband liked the challenge.
"Even when Claudia would pull some of her things, you would get frustrated," Kim Felder says, "[but] then when they do the little amazing thing like the first band concert or they graduate from high school, inside you're saying, 'Oh my God, have you seen how far this child has come? Can you see what they can do?' "
Kim and her husband have had that feeling over and over. They have eight kids, including Claudia — six of whom are adopted.
Claudia Felder's story has a happy ending, but that is not the story for a lot of kids. Researcher Cris Beam says that for many older kids who don't end up with families, cynicism sets in, and around 12 or 13 years old, they decide to run out the clock and wait for emancipation. Once they turn 18, they can go out on their own. Beam says being independent without strong family support is dangerous.
"The reality is they need someone to fall back on. They need parents when they're 20 or 23," Beam says. "Think about when you had your first heartbreak, your first job loss, your first crush, your first crash, your first anything. When kids hit any little stumble at all ... they need to have someone they can call upon. What we really need to be finding for them are families."
Today, Claudia Felder does outreach work with foster kids, and she's trying to help them understand why they need that support.
"A lot of these kids are just like I was. They don't want to be adopted," Felder says. "You need to have somebody in your life."

Adjusting to adoption Written by Pam J. Hecht, WNC Parent contributor Sep 04

citizen-times.com

The Compton family added two boys from Ethiopia to their family. Carter and Truett, then ages 4 and 2, joined Brantley, Coleman and Barret, who were 8, 10 and 11, four years ago. / Special to WNC Parent

Tips for families

Sandy Fowler, clinical post-adoption services coordinator for Children’s

Home Society of North Carolina, which provides parenting education, foster care and adoption services, shares some tips for families with biological children who also adopt:• Ask for help and support.• Know the difference between bonding and attachment and be patient. Bonding can be an instant connection but attachment - and trust - is a process that takes time.”• Talk with children about changes and their expectations. Pay special attention if your biological kids’ feelings don’t match yours.• Include biological kids in the adoption process and keep them informed of what’s going on.• Spend one-on-one time with each child

and parent.• Help biological child(ren) accept new siblings.• Allow children to voice their feelings and opinions and listen to them. Create a safe space by respecting what they say.• To facilitate bonding, keep communication

lines open, speak truthfully and provide fun family activities.• Help kids understand their own history and background.• Help kids process trauma, grief and loss, attachment and trust issues, keeping in mind the developmental level of the adopted child. Acknowledge that their pain is part of the healing and adoption process. Get professional support as needed.• Learn about the developmental level and background of your adopted child. Honor cultural or other differences.• Sandy Fowler, Clinical Post-Adoption Support Coordinator, Children’s Home Society of North Carolina, 545-8410 or 866-449-7262.She leads a support group for adoptive parents that meets at 10 a.m. the second Friday of each month at Green

Sage, 1800 Hendersonville Road, Asheville.• Susan Ward, Carolina Counseling & Parent

Support, carolinamountaincounseling.com• To help kids and parents respond to questions from peers, extended family and others, get the W.I.S.E. Up PowerBook, published by the Center for Adoption Support and Education, www.adoptionsupport.org

For the Compton family of Fairview, the decision to adopt didn’t happen overnight. While Joe Compton had thought about it for years, his wife, Heather, wasn’t sure.

“I was in the trenches of motherhood with three young children and just couldn’t see it,” says Heather. “But I did know that we had love in our hearts and we felt like we had more room to love someone who didn’t have a family.”

In time, and with repeated spiritual signs, including families she kept meeting who had adopted from other countries, she says, she felt ready to go for it.

They adopted two boys from Ethiopia — Carter and Truett, at ages 4 and 2 — four years ago, when their three biological children, Brantley, Coleman and Barret, were 8, 10 and 11.

For the Comptons, early preparation and discussion was key to making the transition smoother for the family.

“I had told the kids that if at any time they were feeling frustrated and/or needed to talk, that no matter what, they could come to us and we would listen,” Heather says. “We talked about how our family would change and how love doesn’t divide — it multiplies.”

Susan Ward is a local therapist and parent coach specializing in helping families with children who have issues related to trauma, attachment and adoption.

To help biological children adapt to adopted siblings, Ward suggests families “read books about adoption and adopted-bio families and role-play possible scenarios that might come up when the adopted child joins the family. One of the best ways to foster attachment and bonding among all family members is through laughter — play board games or put on dance music and get everyone laughing and dancing.”

“Be honest about differences but balance that by sharing each child’s strengths,” she adds. “Say things like, ‘Yes, that’s true that you two have different colored skin — you’re also different in that you’re great at building things and your sister is great at drawing.’”

The Comptons were also realistic with the children, explaining that it wouldn’t always be easy, Heather says. “We explained how just as there are days that all three of them get along, there are days when none of them do and that this would be the same, just with more children,” she says.

Unsealed birth records give adoptees peek at past

"The things that people take for granted are enormous, life-changing moments" for adoptees, said Rep. Sara Feigenholtz, a Chicago Democrat and adoptee who sponsored the Illinois law and still breaks down when discussing it.
Feigenholtz, who met her birth mother years ago, worked for more than a decade to open birth certificates in Illinois, which like nearly every other state had sealed such records from the 1940s through the 1980s. There are several reasons adoptees want access to those records, including learning medical histories crucial to determining health risks. Many adoptees believe they have a right to such a personal, intimate record.
Illinois is one of 11 states to have open birth certificates and one of nine to have unsealed them since 1999, according to the American Adoption Congress. And because of its size, the Prairie State has seen more adoptees get those papers than most. Still, the 8,800 is only 2.5 percent of the 350,000 Illinois adoptees' records that were sealed beginning in 1946.
In Oregon, which opened its records in 2000, 11,500, or nearly 11 percent of the 108,000 records sealed after 1957, have been requested. Alabama didn't seal 300,000 records until 1991, reopened them just nine years later, and 5,800 adoptees have requested them. Rhode Island reopened 24,000 records in 2012 after 68 years, and 759 people have laid claim to their birth certificates.
Some adoptive children have reunited with birth families without open-records laws. Public intermediary services, private businesses and volunteers help reunite willing adoptees and birth mothers, although sometimes it involves hundreds of dollars and no guarantee of success.
Jenny Spinner, who grew up in an adoptive home in Decatur with her twin sister, found her mother before the law changed. But Spinner, a 43-year-old mother, English professor and researcher in Philadelphia whose intrepid inquiries have prompted preparation of a book about the experience, is frustrated by the lack of documentation of her personal story. She still wanted her birth certificate for the emotional connection it brought.
"The paper that I've been looking for just to see all our names together in one space has still eluded me, outside of this birth certificate," Spinner said. "It's the only thing where her name is stamped on a document that has my birthdate. That proves it."
States generally had open birth records until the mid-20th Century when unwed motherhood became more stigmatized, said Adam Pertman, executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, a not-for-profit, nonpartisan research and policy center.
Birth certificates often were stamped "illegitimate" and sealing them was thought to protect the baby, the adoptive family from intrusion and was even considered, in some circles, the cleanest break for a "maladjusted" mother to re-enter society and later marry.
Opponents contend birth mothers were promised privacy in perpetuity, which Donaldson Institute research has not been able to substantiate, and research shows both adopted children and the parents who gave them up want contact, Pertman said.
The trend is "toward greater honesty, greater openness," said Pertman, adding it's "way too slow."
In Pennsylvania, an adopted lawmaker has introduced legislation to open birth records there, and Illinois Rep. Ann Williams, an adoptee who was born in the Keystone state, traveled there to testify July 17 in favor of the bill. Williams, a Chicago Democrat whose district neighbors Feigenholtz's, told the committee the Illinois law brought "excitement, joy and fulfillment" to nearly 9,000 adoptees, but for her, it was "bittersweet, as I was not among them."
Dave Reynolds, a 46-year-old health care-plan operator from Deerfield, didn't seek his birth record until he met Feigenholtz, who encouraged him. He just spoke by phone about a month ago to his birth mother, who lives in another state and never told anyone in her family about her son.
"I'd love to meet my birth mom face-to-face. I'd love to give her a hug," Reynolds said. "I'd love to meet my half-brothers. That would be a neat moment. But that's on her timetable. If it never happens, then I'm just so thankful I had a chance to thank her."
The meetings can be just as wrenching and emotional for birth mothers, and many adoptees are reluctant to ask them to come forward and speak publicly. Nor is it always an easy process for the family that reared an adopted child.
Duffy's adoptive mother, who is ill with Alzheimer's, often talked with her daughter about finding her birth family. The process has been hard on her father, but "I'm not going anywhere," Duffy said.
"They were the people that put a Band-Aid on my knee when I scraped it. They're my family," she said. "It's just nice to start to get to know this person who gave so much up for me, who did such a selfless thing for me, giving me birth and bringing me into this world."

Children Needing Mentors in Lane County

Have you always wondered about becoming a mentor, but did not know if you would be a good match for a child? Now you don't have to! You can read short biographies of children waiting for mentors by visiting our website. We have boys and girls waiting in Lane County and beyond. Learn about mentor youth that share your interests by reading below!

Children Needing Mentors in Lane County

Connie* is a 16-year-old girl that is into soccer, volleyball and basketball. She enjoys being outside, and lives in the Cottage Grove area.  She likes to read and write. She expresses herself through her art work. She draws, paints, and does pottery. When the weather is bad she likes to watch movies, and arts and crafts. Connie is very sarcastic and adventurous. She would like to learn how to play the viola or the clarinet. During the holidays she enjoys being with her family. She likes all animals except horses. She lives with 3 dachshunds, and guinea pigs. When she grows up she wants to be either a vet tech or photographer. Connie would benefit from a female mentor who can help her transition into adulthood and teach her important life skills.       Peter* is a 15-year-old boy living in Springfield. Peter is a social and athletic teen, who's favorite sports team is the Ducks. He enjoys spending time with his brother and his friends, particularly when they are playing football or basketball. Peter likes fishing as well. Peter also enjoys studying the Bible and hopes to become a clergy member as an adult. Peter enjoys comedy and likes telling jokes; joking is a part of how he expresses himself! Peter is interested in learning about new activities, and likes to have meaningful conversations with individuals. He spends a lot of time with his brother, but would like guidance and support from a more experienced individual. Peter would like a male mentor who is easy to talk to. Mitchell* is a 12-year-old boy living in Springfield. Mitchell is looking for a mentor that loves to scooter! In his spare time Mitchell enjoys going to the skate park, playing basketball and soccer. His favorite types of movies are cartoon and action.  Mitchell's favorite food is pizza. Mitchell's favorite basketball teams are the Chicago Bulls and the LA Lakers. "Tyga" is Mitchell's favorite artist, he enjoys listening to rap music. If Mitchell had only a few wishes they would be to get a new scooter and to be on a basketball team. Mitchell's favorite chore is cleaning the living room. His least favorite chore is cleaning his bedroom. Dogs and ferrets are a few of Mitchell's favorite animals. Mitchell would like a male mentor who enjoys watching basketball and is an extrovert. Stephanie* a 13-year-old girl who lives in Eugene. She is shy at first, but opens up once she gets to know you. She is starting high school this year. Math is her favorite subject and she is proud of it. Stephanie likes to cook, dress up, play video games, and do outdoor activities like hide and seek, picnics and swimming. She also likes to just hang out. She is good at cooking French food and wants to go to Paris. Her favorite food is Chinese and she likes to go eat at Olive Garden. When it comes to music, Stephanie likes hip-hop and Bruno Mars, but not country or metal. She likes to read mystery romances. When she grows up, Stephanie wants to be a veterinarian, masseuse or a chef. Her hero is Wonder Woman because she is the only female superhero. For Halloween she wants to be the Queen of Hearts. She loves her dog Kammi and all animals. She would love to go horseback riding or see a tiger. Stephanie has had mentors in the past and wants to build a lasting relationship with someone that will be around long-term. Lance* is a very sweet little boy living in Veneta. In the fall he will be starting 3rd grade. He enjoys recess and is proud of his writing. His favorite football team is the Ducks. He enjoys playing kick ball, soccer, biking and football. He wants to learn how to play basketball, baseball and how to swim. When the weather is rainy he enjoys playing video games in his room (but no violent ones), watching movies, and wrestling. His favorite wrestler is John Cena. Grapes and Mexican food are his favorite things to eat. He likes to express himself through drawing and painting. Lance enjoys reading and is open to all kinds of books. He is very proud of is his ability to do a front flip and handstand on a trampoline. His favorite animals are dogs and cougars. If he could go anywhere he would go to the moon! He likes playing the guitar and listening to any kind of music. Lance would like to own his own drum set. He also enjoys candy and laughing.  When he grows up he wants to be a police officer. He lives with his aunt and so would like a male mentor he can spend some time with. Adam* is a 16-year-old boy living in Springfield. He loves horror movies! His favorite movies are about zombies, he especially enjoys the film "28 Days Later." Adam is very good around animals, he even has two guinea pigs! He enjoys learning about cars as well, and would appreciate a mentor who can teach him about such. Adam also loves fishing, video games, and has a great sense of humor!  Adam would like to spend time with his mentor out in the community just "hanging out." Adam is sarcastic, and would like a mentor who appreciates it. Adam would benefit from a mentor who understands physical disabilities, and can introduce Adam to new experiences.  Eddie* is in fourth grade and is a huge Ducks fan! He is very athletic and funny. He enjoys pizza, action movies, and wants to be a football player when he grows up. Eddie lives in Junction City, and would like a male mentor who shares his love of sports and is outgoing.  Eddie has a number of siblings, and would like a mentor to spend some one-on-one time with him.  Eddie is a dare devil, he wants to try skydiving and ziplining one day! Eddie describes himself as shy, and would like a mentor who is outgoing.  Eddie can have a male or female mentor. He is also a good brother, and is close with his sisters.  Tanner* is a fan of the Miami Heat basketball team. He loves pork chops and lasagna. The Vampire Buffet is his favorite restaurant. Tanner is 15 years old and currently lives in Lane County. If Tanner had a free day he would visit Hawaii or Dubai. Tanner likes any Adam Sandler movies, and he loves to laugh. When Tanner is older he would like to be an architect or an actor. Tanner works very hard on making blueprints and is most proud of art. Language Arts is his favorite subject in school. When asked if he could pick three words to describe himself Tanner chose: smart, athletic, and driven. Tanner would benefit from a male mentor who can help him through his teen years.   Samuel* is a 16-year-old boy living in Eugene. He loves the culinary arts, especially making cream puffs. When Samuel is older he would like to join the military and become a military chef. Samuel enjoys swimming and boating during the summer time. Samuel loves to read. A few of his favorite books are the Hunger Games series, Aragon and the Hobbit. Samuel likes to play video games, his favorite indoor game is Pathfinder. Thanksgiving is Samuel's favorite holiday because of the food, he especially enjoys the stuffing. Samuel likes Pink Floyd and would like to learn to play the guitar. Family Guy, South Park and American Dad are a few of Samuel's favorite TV shows. Samuel was excited when the Ravens won the Super bowl, they are his favorite football team. His favorite college football team is the Oregon Ducks. Samuel would like a male or female mentor that is kind and can help him with his homework. Samantha* is a 13-year-old girl who lives in Springfield, and has a variety of interests. She likes to draw, and is a talented artist. Samantha also enjoys watching TV and playing video games, particularly Mario games. She likes to cook as well, and her favorite food is chicken. When Samantha is not cooking, she likes to go to Five Guys Burgers and Fries for a burger. Samantha is very funny, she frequently makes herself and her sisters laugh. Samantha does not often spend time outdoors, but when she does she likes swimming and playing basketball with her friends. Samantha loves to shop and try different hairstyles as well as listen to Justin Bieber. Samantha appreciates music, and would like to learn how to play the guitar, the piano, and the recorder. Samantha would like to visit Africa one day, and hopes to see a tiger. She would like a female mentor who likes humor and shopping. Travis* is a 7-year-old boy living in Eugene. Travis loves to play football and wrestle with his friends. Travis loves eating ice cream cake, pudding and pizza. McDonalds, Taco Bell and Subway are a few of his favorite places to eat. Travis would love to become a Navy Seal when he gets older as well as a football player. Travis enjoys watching Power Rangers and likes all kid movies. Math and recess are Travis' favorite subjects in school. Going on car rides and wrestling are a few of his favorite activities. Travis loves animals, his favorite animal is a chicken.  Something Travis would like to learn how to do would be back flips, he would also like to try fishing.  Travis is most proud of his dirt biking and normal biking skills. Travis describes himself as sometimes being shy at first, he would like his mentor to be good at bumper cars and fishing. If Travis could have any pet he would want to have a lion. Travis would benefit from a male or female mentor who is active. Jeremy* is a very intelligent 14-year-old boy who will be transitioning into high school next year. He lives in Springfield, and likes to ride his bike around his neighborhood. Jeremy loves baseball, video games, reading, math, and science. One of Jeremy's favorite activities is going to PK Park to watch Emeralds games. Jeremy likes going to the beach and fishing, as well as swimming, hiking, and watching Duck games. His favorite kinds of movies include action, comedies, and family films. He enjoys the occasional horror movie, but comedies are his favorite. When Jeremy grows up he hopes to join the military and then become a member of the Secret Service. Before doing so, he wants to attend college at either Oregon State University or the University of Oregon. His favorite kinds of music include rock, country, rap, and classical. Jeremy is very active, funny, and smart, and would appreciate a male mentor who will spend time with him out in the community and help him through his high school years. Trentin* is a 13-year-old middle school student living in Springfield. He really enjoys hunting, fishing, woodshop, and the outdoors. He likes school, but was disappointed when woodshop classes were cancelled in his school district. Trentin is a compassionate kid who like spending time outdoors and being amongst animals. He admires Steve Irwin, and even owns his own snake! When the weather is bad and he cannot spend time outside, he likes to play with his pet snake, Lizzy. He also likes to spend his time watching old horror movies, which he finds both funny and frightening. Trentin enjoys reading Steven King novels, and expresses himself through drawing. He also likes to watch football games and hopes to refine his hunting and fishing skills. Trentin is bothered by people who do not appreciate what they have and "complain too much." When he becomes upset or irritated, he usually just walks away from the situation and spends some time alone. Trentin would like a male mentor who enjoys the outdoors, and is not afraid of snakes. Heather* is an energetic 10-year-old living in Veneta. She enjoys sports of all kinds. In the fall she would like to either play soccer or football. Her favorite team is the Ducks. She like jumping on the trampoline and playing wall ball. Heather has a hamster and would like a dog. She enjoys school and her favorite subject is art, specifically drawing hearts. "Total Drama" and "My name is Earl" are examples of the television shows that Heather likes to watch. If she could go anywhere she would go to Antarctica. One of her favorite places to go is to the mall. She enjoys shopping for shoes and toys and that is where she got her ears pierced. She likes swimming and playing on the playground. Some things that she is interested in learning are gymnastics and how to play the drums. Her favorite color is turquoise and her favorite food is bean and cheese burritos. When she grows up she want to be a lawyer.     Hazel* is a 10-year-old tomboy who is interested in learning about "girly" activities. She lives in Springfield and is the youngest of 4 sisters. She enjoys camping, tree climbing, and being outdoors. She also likes to watch wrestling! She has many pet cats, and is very affectionate with them. Hazel can be shy when you first meet her. Hazel also loves to cook, and experiments by making different kinds of cookies. She would like a mentor who enjoys shopping, and who can spend some one on one time with her. Hazel can be very rambunctious, and would be well served by a patient and understanding mentor. Mattie* is an active 7-year-old living in Springfield. She plays baseball, softball and will be in Girl Scouts when school starts in the fall. Sometimes she watches sports. She wants to learn to swim and loves to play with dogs. In the winter she enjoys drinking hot coco and watching movies like "Rapunzel", other Disney movies and comedies. She also enjoys watching musicals, singing and dancing. Her favorite book is "Diary of a Wimpy Kid." When with friends she likes to relax. If she had a day to do anything she would go to the beach and run in the wet sand. Mattie enjoys theatre and math. She has a very active imagination. Her favorite food is pizza. If she could have two wishes she would be a bird so that she could fly or be other different animals so she could run and be free. She wants to try horseback riding, and hopes to do so with her mentor. She has puppies, a frog, bunnies, and guinea pigs. Mattie enjoys being around people who tells jokes and play around.       *Names have been changed to protect identities

What Does It Take to be a Mentor?

Mentors can come from all walks of life: they can be young adults, grandparents, moms, dads, students, teachers, blue collar workers, and more! If you have the passion to help a foster child and want to make a positive impact in someone's life, you can be a mentor. Mentor requirements for A Family For Every Child's Mentor Program include: 1. 21 years of age or older 2. pass a fingerprint criminal background check 3. participate in an in home interview 4. attend a mentor orientation 5. spend 10 hours a month with your mentee 6. commit to at least one year If you are interested in becoming a mentor, please fill out a volunteer application. If you have any questions about becoming a mentor, or other ways you can help a foster child, please email the Permanency Director: caitlin@afamilyforeverychild.org.